How to spend your legacy?

[Tinhack]

Newborn, baby, toddler, dementia, handicap or retardation are all life's challenges I've been through. It's not a perfect world but we cope, adapt and recover. How you handle the challenges defines you. I hope my life never depends on some of you and others I have the greatest admiration for your love of family.

 

[tallyho8]

Dudley - I think that your gift to the local Sherifs office is a most kind gesture. In my case I would split it between the local Salvation Army and the ASPCA. Both organizations are doing wonderful jobs in our area.

Needy people - needy animals - - that's the way I would go.

The ASPCA is off my list. After running horse shows for over 20 years, fighting with the SPCA over matters brought up by people who had never even touched a horse before, equated the SPCA to PETA for me. Enough said.

 

[Hay Dude]

Newborn, baby, toddler, dementia, handicap or retardation are all life's challenges I've been through. It's not a perfect world but we cope, adapt and recover. How you handle the challenges defines you. I hope my life never depends on some of you and others I have the greatest admiration for your love of family.

Caring for my MIL has made our life worse for the most part. We both understand that we have been left with the “glorious” task of elder care for my mother and hers. But like RSKY said, you ain’t “lived” till you’ve had a diaper with a steaming pile of adult crap thrown at you.

Kid diapers? No problem. Wife and I did a dump truck of ‘em. Adult diapers? Only my wife can handle that and it makes her pretty unhappy. Thrown in a pile of puke and pee on the bed every day…….shoot…..I had to build a second freakin laundry room just to handle the bedding.….

I won’t lie, she throws in a good day once a week, but the other 6 are horrific.

I have to be the “good listener” for my wife so she can cope with the misery.
And there’s no end in sight to it. And it’s not like it was somebody who was good to either of us when she was a functioning human.

 

[4570Man]

Ecclesiastes 3:1-6 NASB1995​

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.
NASB1995: New American Standard Bible - NASB 1995


We all have a time to be born and an appointed time to die.

I do claim to be a Christian but I can’t really get behind the idea that everyone has a set time that they were supposed to die. Were school shootings supposed to happen? Were those kids never scheduled to live past elementary school from the day they were born? Humans have free will and free will has consequences.

 

[4570Man]

Caring for my MIL has made our life worse for the most part. We both understand that we have been left with the “glorious” task of elder care for my mother and hers. But like RSKY said, you ain’t “lived” till you’ve had a diaper with a steaming pile of adult crap thrown at you.

Kid diapers? No problem. Wife and I did a dump truck of ‘em. Adult diapers? Only my wife can handle that and it makes her pretty unhappy. Thrown in a pile of puke and pee on the bed every day…….shoot…..I had to build a second freakin laundry room just to handle the bedding.….

I won’t lie, she throws in a good day once a week, but the other 6 are horrific.

I have to be the “good listener” for my wife so she can cope with the misery.
And there’s no end in sight to it. And it’s not like it was somebody who was good to either of us when she was a functioning human.

My experience with a dementia patient wasn’t hardly that bad but it wasn’t a lot better. I can’t imagine anyone looking at that situation and not thinking that not at least having the option of assisted dying as a good one. I don’t know a single able minded person that claims they want to be in a situation like that. I’ve heard more than one say that if that day comes for them to put a plastic bag over their head. Yet despite nobody actually wanting to continue living like that there’s no other real option.

 

[Hay Dude]

My experience with a dementia patient wasn’t hardly that bad but it wasn’t a lot better. I can’t imagine anyone looking at that situation and not thinking that not at least having the option of assisted dying as a good one. I don’t know a single able minded person that claims they want to be in a situation like that. I’ve heard more than one say that if that day comes for them to put a plastic bag over their head. Yet despite nobody actually wanting to continue living like that there’s no other real option.

Oh we definitely don’t, but you have to understand, when she moved in with us, she could drive, walk, buy things on line and use the bathroom. The decline happened in front of us and once we were committed, my wife wasn’t going to give up on her. We have tried everything; in home therapy, doctors, nurses, therapists. We sent her for a few weeks to a few different rehabs. Her meds are constantly adjusted and changed in hopes to improve her. She is under a psychiatrists care. Nothing is working more than a little temporary mild improvement here and there.

15 years ago, I worked for a wealthy elderly lady. She was very healthy, but her husband had severe dementia. After working there for a few weeks, she began opening up to me about him. Previously, he was a brilliant accountant and had a substantial list of wealthy clients from the local high end country club. Worth millions.
The daily routine was, I would arrive at the house at 7:30 and so would the husbands care giver. His name was Rocco. A hulk of a 60 year old man. He would come in, take off his cap and go into the husbands room. He would change him, put on his adult diaper, and sit him up. He would wheel him into the family room lift him onto the couch and spoon feed him his pablum. He was very humane to him and tried to talk to him and keep him calm. They would watch old John Wayne type western movies, which was the only thing he could comprehend, then put him to bed about 3pm.

I’m telling you this dementia disease sucks for the person who has it, but sucks much worse for the caregiver.
It’s a life changer for us and although some people give us the pat on the back or the “atta guy”, it gives us little relief. My wife loves her mom and the mom isn’t wanted by anyone else because it’s too much work. The mom as we knew her is no longer there or recognizable.

 

[tallyho8]

My father was 53 when I was born, and my mother was a lot younger because they wanted to wait until they had a nice home for us to live in before they had kids. I never got to have an adult conversation with my parents because while I was still in my teens my mother died suddenly of a heart attack. They were very much in love and my father just wasted away, not wanting to live anymore. He went into dementia very suddenly and I was just starting up my business with no spare money and my sister was beginning her new job, we tried but found ourselves unable to care for him. He had to go into a nursing home where he didn't last very long.

Losing your parents while young is hard, but we all expect to lose our parents someday. Losing an only child is excruciatingly painful. My wife was never the same after they diagnosed our son with a fatal, incurable disease, progressive multiple sclerosis, back in 2004. It happened just after he was offered a 6-figure job with Microsoft that he had to turn down. It progressed pretty rapidly and in a few years his wife left him and took our grandson and moved away. He lived in a house on our property, and we cared for him while we were not at work but as he got worse and needed full time care, the gov't paid for an aide to assist him 40 hours a week while we were at work, and we had very responsible people who did a great job. We took care of him the rest of the time. We were not retired yet and all our assets were tied up in my business so we had a limited income and could not afford to hire more help.

Most of the nursing homes in our area are controlled by greedy, shady outfits and it is hard to determine the best ones as they all put their own fake reviews online so that you will read 10 five-star reviews before you read one bad one. The latest tragedy was when Hurricane Ida struck, the owner of 3 of the nursing homes had all his patients bussed to a warehouse 100 miles away, without facilities and dumped there with very little care, while he robbed all the assets of the homes of tens of millions of dollars and tried to skip the country. Several years ago, the nursing homes convinced the legislature to no longer pay for aid for patients to remain in their own homes but to get aid only if put in one of their nursing homes. We had to put him in one of the homes we read the best reviews on not knowing how badly it was run. Luckily, even though they paid their aides minimum wages, they had mostly minority workers who were extremely nice to the patients and who we felt our son was in capable hands. My wife went to see him for hours every day after work and on weekends until he passed several years ago. These years were very hard on my wife and I. Now that we retired and sold my business and some of our properties, we are still working to improve our wills and our former daughter-in-law will one day see the fortune we leave to others that she would have received if she had not deserted our son in his time of need.

 

[ovrszd]

Big hug tallyho8

 

[MAX-24-Dean]

There has been a strong argument that aluminum has contributed to the Alzheimer epidemic. I avoid drinking out of aluminum cans or using aluminum cookware. Of course this has been thoroughly and scientifically debunked by research sponsered by the aluminum industry.

As always, do your own research with just a pinch of salt.

Worked in the Aluminum Industry for 10 years in the 70's and 80's, I have watched my co-workers from that era, and there is a very high % of Alzheimers amongst them vs those not employed in the Industry.
There was a union contract negotiated 10 week vacation for every 5 years worked in the Smelting portion. We all joked that the company agreed to it so the government wouldn't step in and require it as a medical leave.
Always do your own research is correct!

 

[newbury]

OP - I may have missed it - how is your grandson doing?
Do you have a trust set up for him?

 

[MossRoad]

My dad had same, but he knew he had both. When they shut his off, I freaked out and attacked the guy that did it. He left. He returned after I was calmed down. It was a bad scene and I regret it. Just didn’t want to see my dear ol dad go.

Sorry to hear that. Those are some of the toughest times of our lives. I had to shut off my mom, and make sure my dad was loaded up with morphine so he wouldn't feel anything. I've always been of the mind that it's part of life, and I'm helping them along.

Father in-law was already dead, his body just wouldn't quit. We were sad, yet we were happy that he wasn't suffering any more. I know when he was coherent and knew his memory was failing we had some talks about it. He was fortunate to have his wife and she was able to take care of him very well. There were about 10 of us in the room when we put the magnet on his chest. Then we stood around and told dad stories to each other for a couple hours until he passed. And everyone in that room got COVID except my father in-law! But that's a story for a different website.

 

[MAX-24-Dean]

Oh we definitely don’t, but you have to understand, when she moved in with us, she could drive, walk, buy things on line and use the bathroom. The decline happened in front of us and once we were committed, my wife wasn’t going to give up on her.

I’m telling you this dementia disease sucks for the person who has it, but sucks much worse for the caregiver.
It’s a life changer for us and although some people give us the pat on the back or the “atta guy”, it gives us little relief. My wife loves her mom and the mom isn’t wanted by anyone else because it’s too much work. The mom as we knew her is no longer there or recognizable.

I will agree that life can temporarily suck for the care giver. Been through the emotions of helping one relative with dementia and terminal cancer. It still sticks in my mind the screaming for more morphine when the pain was obviously very high. It cuts right to the core. Then the yelling for momma, momma help me momma. Momma had passed 25 years earlier. There is nothing funny about this at all, it sucked for sure. Very emotional time. Spent a lot of tears.
Love is honoring your father and mother and your inlaws too.

@Hay Dude, thank you for posting this.

 

[RSKY]

I suspect that happens more often than we know about. The sad thing is when others wind up being unwittingly involved.

Many years ago I read about a University in Germany that had an agreement with several state/regional governments, or whatever they have there, and the German auto industry. When there was a fatal accident they were called and did their own investigation separate from the authorities. By law their findings could not be used in court. The program was strictly to improve auto safety. They published the results of their investigations ever so often and what I remember was they concluded that at least half of all single person fatal accidents happening at night were suicides.

I wonder if the program is still active. The article was 30-40 years ago but has stuck in my mind.

I also remember the report saying that you could find the vehicles the investigators drove in a parking lot because they always had the headrests up as high as they could go.

RSKY

 

[RSKY]

I personally despise abortion but if a person makes that decision in the first trimester I consider it a fair compromise. End of life matters are a little different. If a person is in final stages of a terminal disease (well beyond where my brother was) they should have options. I often wonder if Hospice sometimes helps things along since so many I've lost seemed to go very fast after entering Hospice. Not saying they are, just that I have wondered.

Just my thoughts.

With my mother I was the one who gave her the medicine. She was at home and the Hospice nurses were very good with her. But I was the one when it came time to give her the medicine. We had been told on Monday that there was no way she could make it to the weekend. And she was starting to suffer. On Monday we got her into her recliner but after a couple hours she could not sit up straight and stopped responding to us. I had to call my nephew to help me get her up and into bed. Neither sister was able to help and one of them is very fit and strong for a seventy+ year old female. That night she quit responding to us in any way. The nurse came and instructed me on how much morphine and breathing medicine to give her, the times to give it, and how to give it. I used a hypodermic without a needle to squirt it into her mouth just like you would do a young child. Tuesday she did not respond to us in any way. Wednesday morning it was obvious that she was in great pain and struggling to breathe. I called the Hospice nurse and she had me double the doses of medicine. She lasted maybe ten minutes after I put the morphine in her mouth. I asked the nurse about it when she came if that had finished her and she said it would take longer for the medicine to absorb into her system unless injected directly into the blood.

RSKY

 

[goeduck]

End of life matters are a little different. If a person is in final stages of a terminal disease (well beyond where my brother was) they should have options. I often wonder if Hospice sometimes helps things along since so many I've lost seemed to go very fast after entering Hospice. Not saying they are, just that I have wondered.

I don't know why they would need to, end of life in a hospice is usually less than 2 weeks (assuming they are not eating).

 

[IndyJay]

I don't know why they would need to, end of life in a hospice is usually less than 2 weeks (assuming they are not eating).

That is pretty much what I said... but even quicker in my experience. Days, not weeks.

 

[Hay Dude]

Never understood the state my dad slipped into in his last few days. Almost a coma-like sleep. He never had anything close to dementia. He was alert and sharp just the day before. But he slipped into this almost vegetative state. I asked the palliative care nurse what was happening and never really felt like I got a good answer.
Was it just the brain “shutting down” or was it the high doses of morphine? Wonder what people feel when they get this way? Do they know what’s happening?

Haunts me to this day how people can be so alive, then slip into that state.

 

[goeduck]

That is pretty much what I said... but even quicker in my experience. Days, not weeks.

I guess I did not know what you meant by "helps things along".

 

[ovrszd]

I saw Soldiers addicted to Morphine. When injected it caused a coma like sleep. As it wore off they were in a limited function state for more time.

If morphine is being injected to control pain the patient would begin to show signs of pain or discomfort as it wears off. Which would cause the care giver to administer another dose.

Best thing about Hospice in my opinion is that controlled drugs can be administered at home. This allows the most dignity possible rather than being hospitalized. And normally when it's needed the treatment isn't going to last long. Several days or a couple weeks. Or could be a couple days. Totally dependent on why it's needed.

I think Hospice is a great program.

 

[MossRoad]

Your local Hospice is another organization you can leave some gifts for if you're so inclined.