How to spend your legacy?

[drssg]

Never understood the state my dad slipped into in his last few days. Almost a coma-like sleep. He never had anything close to dementia. He was alert and sharp just the day before. But he slipped into this almost vegetative state. I asked the palliative care nurse what was happening and never really felt like I got a good answer.
Was it just the brain “shutting down” or was it the high doses of morphine? Wonder what people feel when they get this way? Do they know what’s happening?

Haunts me to this day how people can be so alive, then slip into that state.

Shortly before my father passed away, I read a book called, How We Die. The book could be depressing or inspirational, depending on the reader. I was glad I read it.

https://www.amazon.com/How-We-Die-Reflections-Chapter/dp/0679742441

One of the parts that stuck with me is that, regardless of whether someone dies from cancer or gets run over by a truck, the body eventually loses its ability to process oxygen into the lungs, through the bloodstream, and up to the brain in sufficient quantity to keep the brain functioning. When that happens, the person dies.

For people who have a typical gradual death, long before the body loses that capacity, it retains it at a reduced rate. The body compensates for the reduced resources by reducing the consumption. The person becomes less active and sleeps more. Near the very end, remaining conscious is often a luxury that the body can't afford. I wouldn't say the brain is shutting down. The body is shutting down all but the most vital functions required to keep the brain working for a little bit longer.

I strongly suspect the person is not aware of what is happening in that state. I believe the experience is something closer to a very deep sleep.

 

[tallyho8]

OP - I may have missed it - how is your grandson doing?
Do you have a trust set up for him?

My wife had pretty much raised my grandson until he was 7 because his mother worked a full time job. As soon as he started getting a nice social security check since his father was severely handicapped, she quit her job and moved about 60 miles away with my grandson and lived off his check. As soon as he was 18 and the checks stopped coming in she pushed him to join the Marines which he did. From the time he was 7 to 18 he was able to come see us 1 or 2 times a year. His mother kept him from telling us when he graduated from boot camp so that we would not be at his graduation. She is now living with a man she will not marry because she would lose collecting social security checks from being my son's surviving wife. We do get along with my grandson pretty well considering the few times we have been allowed to see him in the last 11 years and yes, we do have a trust for him where he will not collect anything from it until he is 30 because by then we feel he should be out of his mother's control.

 

[Streetcar]

Your local Hospice is another organization you can leave some gifts for if you're so inclined.

Apparently hospice is money maker now.in the past few years several new hospice organizations have opened in my area

 

[Hay Dude]

Apparently hospice is money maker now.in the past few years several new hospice organizations have opened in my area

I’m not surprised. I and many of us, are traditional in that we bring our folks home to die.
I have found out from some of my Realtor friends that having someone die in your home actually detracts from your home’s value!
And let’s face it…many of our younger citizens just aren’t as tough. They can’t handle the loss and the stress of death. They want someone else to deal with it.

 

[lman]

Apparently hospice is money maker now.in the past few years several new hospice organizations have opened in my area

I'm sure they got a big chunk of Covid money.
Our county Health Dept. got a big Motorhome from Covid money along with a new Coroner's office/morgue. I haven't figured out why the RV was necessary.

 

[MossRoad]

Apparently hospice is money maker now.in the past few years several new hospice organizations have opened in my area

Depends on the organization.

Our local hospice provided nurses to check on my father in-law every day at his home. There was no charge. They could send someone to sit with him so my mother in-law could take a break, go somewhere, get away, go to appointments, etc. There was no charge. She could take him to the hospice facility for day care, or she could take him there for a week or two if needed. There was no charge. When she got too weak to take care of him at home, and he could not help her by standing up on his own, is when she was getting to send him there for his end of life. He passed at home while awaiting a COVID test before being admitted. Had he been admitted, there would have been no charge.

Pretty sure out local Hospice is all donation driven.

 

[MossRoad]

When my dad had prostate cancer and was at home recovering, his girlfriend laid into one of my sisters because she wouldn't quit her job and move up here with her two young sons to take care of my father. Don't know why she picked that sister to lay into. There were 4 other siblings and I lived in town. I'd check on my dad every day. Collectively, all 5 of us talked to my father, who told us he was fine with paying for in-home care and would be recovered within a few weeks. He did not want, nor did not expect us to stay with him 24/7. We told the girlfriend to stuff it.

 

[2manyrocks]

Two sisters are taking care of their mom here while their siblings are telling them how they ought to be doing it. One has RA. The other has lupus. They are having to shuttle their mom between their homes. Both recently retired and this is what they are dealing with.

 

[ddbackhoe]

yes, we do have a trust for him where he will not collect anything from it until he is 30 because by then we feel he should be out of his mother's control.

There is an argument to be made for delaying it a little further. By the 35-40 year range most of us are done doing stupid stuff and could use a helping hand to restart (divorce comes to mind).

 

[ddbackhoe]

Two sisters are taking care of their mom here while their siblings are telling them how they ought to be doing it. One has RA. The other has lupus. They are having to shuttle their mom between their homes. Both recently retired and this is what they are dealing with.

Now that I’m retired everyone comes up with good ideas on what I should do. Good thing I don’t listen too well .