it's official

riptides · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

Interesting points and post.

( If we aren't going to take the institution of marriage seriously and give up every time something doesn't go the right way, we might as well abolish marriage completely from human society. It takes work, each and every day from husband AND wife. If BOTH sides aren't going to make a commitment for that kind of daily maintenance of their marriage, then they probably shouldn't stand in front of family and friends and make that promise in the first place. )

Time changes everything. Given enough time, water will wear through rock. Your philosophical thought for this moment.

What I am getting at, is people and circumstances change. For better and worse. Whoops. Better not go there...

I think people need to spend a little more time in the selection process, days, months, even years, before commitment.

nuff said.
-Mike Z. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Freds · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

Just speaking for myself, as I was one who offered congratulations, I didn't offer it due to a failed marriage but rather the positive outlook ("I'm free...") that Junk portrayed.
I've seen a few of my friends turn into miserable human beings after going through a divorce and wallowing around wondering what went wrong. A positive outlook makes any bad situation better and any good situation.... well, it makes that better, too. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

BTW, did anyone ever tell you you look like Grampa Walton? /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

daedong · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

Harv,

Some people probably spend more time researching what is the best tractor to buy than deciding on their partner for life.

Indydirtfarmer · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

( Harv,

Some people probably spend more time researching what is the best tractor to buy than deciding on their partner for life. )

Some people have more intent to KEEP their tractor than their mate for life....... /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif

Bill, Happily married for 28 years, 6 months, 3 days, 2 hours and 30 minutes.... (but who's counting.....) /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

GerardC · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

...." 'til death do you part". We live by these words.

AndyM · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

 What I am getting at, is people and circumstances change. For better and worse. Whoops. Better not go there... 

Exactly! People and circumstances change. That's why BOTH sides work together to make it through and adapt to these changes. One person can't make the marriage work-- it's a joint effort to get through the "better or worse" parts. Lately, there's been more worse than better, but we're in it for the long haul!

 I think people need to spend a little more time in the selection process, days, months, even years, before commitment. 

See above-- I knew I was going to marry my wife the night I met her. We were engaged three months after we met. Has it always been easy? Absolutely not! Are we commited to try our hardest to make it work? Most certainly! If I just wanted a way out every time she didn't put the cap on the toothpaste, I wouldn't have married her in the first place!

AndyM · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

 BTW, did anyone ever tell you you look like Grampa Walton? 

That was yesterday... today I look like Commissioner Gordon. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

DannyD · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

I'll bite. First marriage was to a gal I went to high school with, way AFTER high school was the marriage, We were both 29. We lasted a year in the same house, 3 years married. Amicable divorce though, friends now. Her oriental adopted kids have sat in my lap at family stuff. (my bro married her best friend). I have met her new hubby #4, nice guy, he likes the dog leash around his neck.

Second time around. Set back, or buckle in, you are going to laugh at me..........singles add dating, worked for us. Back before the internet had yahoo, papers had 'singles adds", met her thru hers, stopped mine the next day, knew it was for real. We dated a month, got engaged, married 5 months later. No kids between us, but she had 2, 7 and 10, and no "father" to be a pain in the butt. No child support, and no contact.

Talk about what has went wrong, everything, but we stuck together thru it all. We endured the worse ever for parents, death of a child. Our youngest died Jan 13, 1999 in her bed. While this either brings couples closer or breaks them up, we stuck together, and we still are 12 years total. We have had feast and famine, good and bad, laughter and crying, but we always knew we had each other. We both believe the Good Lord brought us together, and we trust in Him totally.

The only means for us to not be together till death would be infidelity. We have one thing alot of people dont have, total trust, without doubt, without waivering. I work in an industry that puts me in touch with lots of ladies, I never have to answer any questions, that is trust.

HomeBrew2 · Mar 31, 2005

Re: it\'s official

Mike, geez, you make losing your sanity sound like a BAD thing ... losing my sanity after divorce (and a couple other things) is what I consider my reward for enduring them ... I guess it's a perspective thing or sumpthin /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
Cheers!

mikim · Apr 1, 2005

Re: it\'s official

When I met my wife - she had 2 and I had 3 - We lost my oldest 2 years into the marriage - We had to put her oldest into drug rehab 1 year after that - We've had 'em return home, dealt with abusive son-in-laws, have a daughter and grandson living with us now 'cause of a lazy sil that won't work enough to support 'em - he lives with 3 other guys in a little run down shack..... When my other son got married I wrote this to read to them at the reception(attached) Since my wife & I both work a lot - it's kinda the code we get by with.

dmccarty · Apr 1, 2005

Re: it\'s official

Mike,

That is really good advice....

Later,
Dan

Indydirtfarmer · Apr 1, 2005

Re: it\'s official

( When I met my wife - she had 2 and I had 3 - We lost my oldest 2 years into the marriage - We had to put her oldest into drug rehab 1 year after that - We've had 'em return home, dealt with abusive son-in-laws, have a daughter and grandson living with us now 'cause of a lazy sil that won't work enough to support 'em - he lives with 3 other guys in a little run down shack..... When my other son got married I wrote this to read to them at the reception(attached) Since my wife & I both work a lot - it's kinda the code we get by with. )

28-1/2 years of marriage has left its scars on me. We have a son who married a girl that refused to grow up. He is now raising their 2 kids on his own. (With all the love and help that grandparents can give). His "bride" has been in and out of drug rehab, and is now in JAIL over her habit.

My daughter married the biggest looser I've ever ran across. He has a criminal history that would make John Dillinger look like Opie Taylor. His "drug of choice" varies, but he's never far from stoned. They have 3 children that my wife and I now support.

Life sure isn't fair. Both of my "children" (26 and 24) made bad choices. Now we have to deal with that.

My wife and I haven't ever so much as entertained the thought of parting company. We are both determined to make our marriage last a lifetime. Funny thing is, we do it almost effortlessly. I wish my kids had that luxury, but that isn't to be.

I can speak from MY own experiences, and say that the SINGLE BIGGEST CONTRIBUTING FACTOR in MY part of making our marraige last was the positive influence of MY father. Him and my mother were married 68 years when dad passed away. I never saw them so much as raise their voices at each other. Dad told me on a number of occasions the greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother like their lives depended on it, 'cause it does....

Hang in there. Sounds like you're doing what an honorable man would do. That's the BEST we can do sometimes.

I better get out from behind the pulpit, and get back to tractorin'.

Bill

bontai_Joe · Apr 1, 2005

Re: it\'s official

"Dad told me on a number of occasions the greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother like their lives depended on it, 'cause it does...."

That is probably the greatest single remark about a successful marriage I have ever heard. I waited until I was 39 to marry, tried at a few relationships that failed, but left behind no children after splitting with each lady I was involved with. Now after nine years of marriage, I am happier than I was as a bachelor, have a beautiful loving wife, a wonderful step-daughter, and life is pretty good. We have had some big things to deal with, but we got through them as a team. The thing about being a team is that it is not a 50-50 split all the time. Some days I carry 80% of the load.... some days she carries 90%..... and some days we are both carrying 100% and straining for more. We just won't quit on the other, and have realized that we have different strengths and weaknesses. But together we are capable of much more than we are separately.

DannyD · Apr 1, 2005

Re: it\'s official

My wife told me once that marriage is not 50% 50% split, but 100% from each person each day, till death do us part.

There is something funny in that, but I will not bend to temptation.

Guess I should tell, Junk.....best of luck with your new life. Hope it is what you envision it to be.

johndeere2210 · Apr 2, 2005

Re: it\'s official

Okay guys, I have been following this post and trying to decide whether to respond or not. Obviously I decided to respond. I want to congratulate those of you who have been married to the same woman and have made it work. There seems to be somewhat of a division in attitudes toward divorce, not only on this board but in society. My present wife and I have been married for 11 years and finally I have a mate who is truthful and committed to making a marriage work. I was brought up to believe that marriage is for life and that it isn't something that just happens. As one poster said, it is a lot of work. The problem being that it is a lot of work for both people involved. One person can not make a marriage work. No matter how much you are committed to making a marriage work, if your partner does not share that commitment, it is futile at best. The acid test comes when the honeymoon is over and the mundane task of everyday life takes over. You can't change your spouse. Any changing initiated will have to come from yourself. If these changes start going against your basic beliefs or infringe on basic right or wrong values, it is time to sever the ties before your own values are lost. Unfortunately for some of us, that has resulted in divorce.

Until you have been in a position to realize that your life mate is only in the relationship for personal gain, you can't have a clue as to the pain, loss, and personal hardship this can cause. Not only do you have to deal with the loss, you have to deal with the social stigma.

As I stated before, I am thankful that my present wife and I share the same values and goals in life. We do intend to grow old together, set on the porch, hold hands and watch the sunset.

Junk, I am sorry for your loss but understand your feeling of a burden lifted.

woolyblue · Apr 2, 2005

Re: it\'s official

JD 2210, I couldn't have said it any better myself. Marriage for me was always a lifelong committment. Unfortunately, the first two attempts didn't work out that way. Currently in a third relationship, totally committed but not yet "official". My hope is that this one will take me well into my grey and wrinkled years. Common goals and outlooks are a necessity. Treating each other better than you would yourself is a must. It certainly doesn't succeed without a lot of hard work. But if you look at that hard work the same way you look at those yard chores and projects where you are busting tail with the tractor and tool box it will bring you joy unmeasured.

Ozarker · Apr 2, 2005

Re: it\'s official

I agree.....my first marriage was done in haste and lust. Lasted about one year. My second was after dating for 2 years and we will celebrate our 30th anniversary this coming June.

Of course that is not to say that she won’t get up and walk out tomorrow……but it is unlikely.

Bird · Apr 2, 2005

Re: it\'s official

( One person can not make a marriage work )

Sad, but true. I married when I was 19; didn't believe in divorce, marriage was a lifetime deal, but after 5 years of on again, off again marriage, I finally gave up and got a divorce; the toughtest time of my life, and definitely not something I'm proud of. I knew she'd had a rough life before we met, but didn't realize the extent of her mental problems and couldn't afford what psychiatrists cost back then. So I finally bought her a one-way bus ticket to California where her mother had moved, and never saw her again, although she called about 4 months later begging to come back. How many of you are old enough to remember Roy Clark's 1970 song, Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone? First time I heard it, I busted out laughing 'cause I could've written that one if it had been Continental Trailways instead of Greyhound. /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

So now my current wife and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary later this month, and we're reasonably sure this one will be permanent. /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif

johndeere2210 · Apr 2, 2005

Re: it\'s official

Bird, I remember that song. I would like to say one more thing on this subject. I have tried to live my life so that there would be no regrets. I do have one regret and that is that I probably will not live long enough to celebrate a 40th anniversary. Congrats on your 40th! /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif