My dad started to go when he was about 83. He had to retire from practicing law the next year. He kept deteriorating. He died at 87.
My sister is a worthless sociopath, and my mother died a long time ago. That left me, and I was single and childless.
I had him for around a year and a half. On the one hand, there is a lot of fulfillment in caring for a person with dementia. On the other, you will have no life at all, and if the patient is someone who wasn't very nice before he lost his wits, you may not be treated very well. My dad was not as bad as my sister, but he was abusive and aggressive all his life, he could not take correction, and he could not appreciate other people's suffering very well.
He once told me to get him a bell so he could ring it when he needed me. He actually thought that was reasonable. This was not a person who would have used the bell sparingly.
Telling him the same things over and over was something I had to get used to. Unfortunately, I also had to have the same arguments over and over.
Hurricane season was trying. TV forecasters lie about hurricanes, exaggerating their strength and claiming areas that are safe are in real trouble. They do this to increase ratings. Over and over, I had to convince my dad things were fine. He kept forgetting.
Eventually, I had to put him some place. I could not take it any more. He was doing things like licking his fingers and rubbing spit on things to clean them. The kitchen counters were varnished with spit. I had to get a separate fridge to keep him from touching my food, and when he found it, I had to get another fridge and lock it.
He did things that were even more gross. It got to be too much. We lived in a place where I had to haul the garbage to the dump, and the garbage was not as nice as it used to be, to put it mildly.
He was very unpleasant sometimes. One day, he told me to go to hell three times in 5 minutes, and a couple of minutes later, he didn't believe me when I told him about it.
On the up side, he accepted Yeshua. All his life, he had been extremely arrogant, and he had hated God and made fun of Christians. I started playing Derek Prince videos during my visits to the ALF. Arguing with him all my life got me nowhere, but God used those videos to get him. I didn't even have to speak. He accepted salvation. He talked about how he loved prayer. He started saying prophetic things out of nowhere.
On the day he went, he could not talk, and he looked like wax. When I arrived, I could see through his fingers. He was cold. He looked afraid. I put on a Derek Prince video, and I started praying and talking to him. I told him I loved him. I told him I forgave him for everything. I told him it was up to him whether he wanted to go or stay. He warmed up, all his agitation left, and his color returned. Peace came over him. He started breathing more and more lightly, and when he passed, I couldn't tell for sure. I had to get someone who worked at the ALF to check.
I have some advice for other people. First, use a hospice. Second, when you have to move a person to an ALF, tour every ALF in your area, and do NOT let them make an appointment. Some places are snake pits. They will hide the problems if they know you're coming. Third, get a DNR if your loved one chooses it. Otherwise, they may be required to thump your loved one's chest, shove a tube down his throat, bring him back to life, and keep him on machines until his body gives out.
At the place where he ended up, they told me they would not give me an appointment for a tour, because they wanted people to see the place as it really was. I found out the lady who founded the place lived there. When I showed up without warning, the place looked great.
Don't assume the expensive places are best. I was about to put him in a place that charged over $7,000 per month. The one where he died cost $3,100. It was cleaner. It didn't smell. The staff was nice. They had special activities. The food was good. They gave me great advice. I found out they had the only ALF in the county that had a license to keep people who could not feed themselves.
Also, visit every day. You will regret it if you don't. Not everyone can do it, but most people who can, don't. I was always amazed to see how few visitors were there. Sometimes two people. Often, none.
Finally, don't put your loved one in a private room unless you have to. They benefit from having roommates.
He disinherited my sister twice in 15 years. He did it once, and then he did it again to make sure. She never tried to smooth things over, and when I told her he was dying, she didn't reply. I got everything, and the biggest blessing was not the money. It was never having to see my sister again. It has been almost 10 years since I even heard her voice, and that is not long enough.
