Seeking wisdom and experience - planning for a future alone

[rekees4300]

Thanks in advance for your insights.

Michael

Michael this professional advice should be helpful.

I Am Grieving the Loss of A Spouse - Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt | Batesville

 

[oosik]

We had been married when my wife of 45 years passed in 2009. Seemed like I was in a fog for about a year. It IS such a great loss. I understand your situation and sympathize.

Hang in there - conditions will improve. I can now remember all the good times and don't get so very sad anymore.

I've learned things I never thought I would need. Keeping the house reasonably clean, doing all the laundry - all the time. Doing the grocery shopping.

I've learned to eat very simply which means simple/easy cooking.

I got a new pet - brown Cocker Spaniel. He is my every day friend now.

 

[PandDLong]

So many words of wisdom, comfort and experience. Everyone's journey through grief is unique but many of the challenges and decisions have similarities.

I only had time to take a quick read through and really appreciate everyone's response - thank you. I am going to set aside some time and read this more thoroughly as it clearly deserves some "soak time".

It is another example of the very good people who participate in this forum.

 

[ronjhall]

So very sorry for your loss.
My wife passed 2 years ago. Miss her a lot. We had been married 57 years. She had been sick for several years. So it was not sudden. The times alone are the hardest.We had lots of good memories in our life together. We got a small dog about 4 months before her passing. Sassy has been a trip to train. Has filled in a lot of the alone time. Most of us need a companion.
Lots of good comments in this thread. I am sure you will find the ones that will make life without your wife easier.

 

[Rock Crawler]

You know, you have a situation that I may be able to show an alternative to. Your older, less capable, alone and have your beloved property/home. My wife and I moved back into my parents home years ago when my mother started with cancer and mental issues. We live in a very large 6 bedroom home on 14.8 acres.

We moved back here to help pay for the cost of the home/property, maintain the home/property, buy/maintain equipment and my wife cooking now and again and cleaning.

The house is actually still owned by my father, it goes to me when he leaves. The equipment around here is all mine, not a part of the will. I have a sister who will be getting a cash instead of part of the house, I do not want or need money.... I am lucky to have a ridiculous job.

My father and I are also best of friends and have been since my late 20's, we still play outside together cutting trees, doing maintenance, cutting grass, washing and waxing vehicles and we go out to breakfast 2-3 mornings a week.

So while my mother is still with us, she lives a life from bed to chair aside from once in a while we take her out for food. Point is that he and her do not do things, he does things with me or his life long best buddy.

Maybe one of your children is responsible and mature enough to bring them back with the grand kids and share the load. Maybe you can cover more of that load, maybe not. But you can get help and get activity around you that will keep your life more interesting than sitting alone in a silent house.

I don't know, maybe we are odd that this has worked out so well, but I could not imagine leaving the house and property to my father alone, and as he has expressed... he would have likely sold out of it against his will if this was not as it is. He wants to live and die here, he has no desire to leave here. I feel the same. Sadly my 3 children are not capable of living here to play the part for me that I play for my father. I hope that one day my children straighten up and I could invite one of the families in here to help me as I get into my 70's and beyond.

Anyways, you mention property, kids, big house and being alone. All things my father was looking at. I was the solution that has worked out great for all of us. The only downside is that when my father one day dies, I am sure it will hurt me way more than it should because have maintained an unusually close relationship and we do count on each other being there every day for each other. Most adults separate from the parents and I suspect that this helps deal with the loss. Maybe I am wrong and it's all the same... who knows.

Some things to consider if you do see it as possible.

 

[ultrarunner]

You never know until faced with the situation and the best is being able to do so on your on terms...

Im continually surprised how families cope with elder care and passing.

Ones without two nickels to rub together and wayward kids somehow pull it all together... at least seen it a few times.

Others with every advantage too busy or might even say selfish to step up preferring strangers to if necessary.

Don't discount the spouses of adult children... they may surprise in a good or bad way.

Glad you started this thread because TBN is a community so much more than tractors...

 

[marhar]

An odd subject line, so let me give a little background.

I live on a 20+ acre piece of land with a large family home. I have been here for almost 25 years and my wife and I raised our family here - including hosting the weddings for two of our children. The property and home do take time and money to maintain and are beyond the needs of empty-nesters without children who need this much space to live, grow and explore.

We were a few years from retirement and with the pandemic my weekly travel for work stopped and we spent every day together for 18 months. It was a teaser of what our "golden years" would be like - we loved it and we loved being on the property full-time together. We made the decision that we would stay here as long as physically possible and we made lots of plans of projects and things to do in the home and on the property.

Tragically, my wife of 34+ years passed away unexpectedly in September.

As this is such an emotional time, I committed to myself and my kids that I wouldn't make any big decisions for a year. I need time to grieve, adjust, adapt and ponder the future. Right now it is one day at a time (and often just one hour at a time) but my wife and I were both planners so I often think about the future and some of the decisions I need to make in the coming months.

I am finding - so far - that much of the work I have done on the property and the planned improvements were all about making it a better place for us both and my wife's happiness was a big motivator for me.


I learn a lot from others and I have always found this forum filled with good people with a wide variety of experience and perspectives. So I want to hear about the experiences of those who have gone through something like this:

1. Do I keep reminders of my wife close by or do I avoid them?
- Is there a right time (or a wrong time) to pack up her things in the house?

2. Do I stay or do I move / downsize to a smaller acreage and home?

3. If I stay here for the long term:
- Do I follow through on our plans or do I start over on the plans?
- Do I complete the projects that she was most passionate about or do I let them fade?
- Do I keep her decorating style and touches in the home (which I liked but not sure I have the talent)?

4. What should I be considering or thinking about as I go through all of this decision making and planning?


Thanks in advance for your insights.

Michael

Sorry to hear about the passing of your wife. Regarding question 2. Stay. At first the acreage my bring memories that are painful; after grieving the acreage will bring back good memories of times together and raising your children. If you sale you will loose the property that you have dedicated time and effort too. Question 3. Evaluate the plans the two of you made together. Determine if they are still applicable. If you have grand children nearby (Depending on their age) plans may change to hanging a tire swing, planting fruit trees or restoring an antique tractor or truck.

I assume the one you loved would want to see you continue in hobbies that you would enjoy.

 

[dodge man]

I to am sorry for your loss, I’m sure it’s devastating. As you are aware, life moves on and you listed some tough decisions you have to make. All good questions and when I make decisions I know in my heart what’s correct for me. Lots of good advice but you are the one that knows what’s best for you. There are no right or wrong answers. My advice would be to only follow your own advice.

 

[civilian]

Mom died in fall of 2014. They were married 64 years. It was not a sudden death, her apetite just getting smaller and smaller. She passed at home on hospice care along with my sister being a RN. She did not want to go into a nursing home, hospice at home was what she wanted. Today dad is 92, still taking care of 120 acres, mostly cedar swamp. Mowing about 2 acres of grass, snowblowing a quarter mile drive, cooking, cleaning etc. Us kids have said, if you take dad out of that home and its chores, he would go crazy with nothing to do. The 3 kids and spouses help out as needed, sister goes to doctor's visits, I maintain tractors, and help with outside chores, brother more in the mechanical stuff (but is still working full time). Sister help dad go through mom's clothes etc and gave a bunch away. Dad has also been giving things away now to help down size when he passes.

They had a poodle mix dog that slept on their laps in the chairs and slept on the bed at night. Dog just passed earlier this summer. The house wasn't the same, hard on dad and us. "He is all aone". But he was fine with that but did not to train a puppy again. Sister found a similar small mix, about 8 year old from her dog's breeder. The dog stayed there last night for the first time.

All this rambling is about what works for one, may not work for another. But it might give them an idea on how to cope with their own situation. And yes I feel sorry for the OP for his sudden passing of his wife. And like someone else above said, I am teary eyed as I finish this. One day at a time. Jon

 

[jjp8182]

I can't imagine what it'd be like to be parted from a spouse of that many years - beyond thinking it'd be like a part of myself had died as well.

Having gotten married later in life (just married for the first time within the last year), and having spent (at this point) most of my adult life living alone I can say that one of the most important skills of living alone is learning how to live and make peace with yourself.

Being able to spend time with other people helps fill the time, but everyone else always need to live their own life which means sooner or later that means spending time with/by yourself. It took me several years to learn that no matter how many distractions I found the one person I would never be able to run away from or ignore was myself ...and learning that greatly eased the difficulties of living alone.

...and it can be difficult when there's no one else around to share all of life's adventures (and misadventures) with ....nor anyone there to help right at that instant where an extra set of hands or a wisecrack would help get you out of a bad spot.

All in all, life is life and how each of us chose to live it, and the pace we live it at can all be a part of who we are as individuals.

On that note, given the significant degree of change that's happened, I'd agree it's worth taking some time to process the change before making more major life changes (if indeed you chose to make any more at all).

...and remember if/when you do decide to make major changes they can be made at your own pace - not to satisfy some arbitrary time frame or the dictates of others. After all you're the one that will be living with those choices day after day and there's no going backward in life -- just that steady movement onward as days come and go.