Seeking wisdom and experience - planning for a future alone

[civilian]

Mom died in fall of 2014. They were married 64 years. It was not a sudden death, her apetite just getting smaller and smaller. She passed at home on hospice care along with my sister being a RN. She did not want to go into a nursing home, hospice at home was what she wanted. Today dad is 92, still taking care of 120 acres, mostly cedar swamp. Mowing about 2 acres of grass, snowblowing a quarter mile drive, cooking, cleaning etc. Us kids have said, if you take dad out of that home and its chores, he would go crazy with nothing to do. The 3 kids and spouses help out as needed, sister goes to doctor's visits, I maintain tractors, and help with outside chores, brother more in the mechanical stuff (but is still working full time). Sister help dad go through mom's clothes etc and gave a bunch away. Dad has also been giving things away now to help down size when he passes.

They had a poodle mix dog that slept on their laps in the chairs and slept on the bed at night. Dog just passed earlier this summer. The house wasn't the same, hard on dad and us. "He is all aone". But he was fine with that but did not to train a puppy again. Sister found a similar small mix, about 8 year old from her dog's breeder. The dog stayed there last night for the first time.

All this rambling is about what works for one, may not work for another. But it might give them an idea on how to cope with their own situation. And yes I feel sorry for the OP for his sudden passing of his wife. And like someone else above said, I am teary eyed as I finish this. One day at a time. Jon

 

[jjp8182]

I can't imagine what it'd be like to be parted from a spouse of that many years - beyond thinking it'd be like a part of myself had died as well.

Having gotten married later in life (just married for the first time within the last year), and having spent (at this point) most of my adult life living alone I can say that one of the most important skills of living alone is learning how to live and make peace with yourself.

Being able to spend time with other people helps fill the time, but everyone else always need to live their own life which means sooner or later that means spending time with/by yourself. It took me several years to learn that no matter how many distractions I found the one person I would never be able to run away from or ignore was myself ...and learning that greatly eased the difficulties of living alone.

...and it can be difficult when there's no one else around to share all of life's adventures (and misadventures) with ....nor anyone there to help right at that instant where an extra set of hands or a wisecrack would help get you out of a bad spot.

All in all, life is life and how each of us chose to live it, and the pace we live it at can all be a part of who we are as individuals.

On that note, given the significant degree of change that's happened, I'd agree it's worth taking some time to process the change before making more major life changes (if indeed you chose to make any more at all).

...and remember if/when you do decide to make major changes they can be made at your own pace - not to satisfy some arbitrary time frame or the dictates of others. After all you're the one that will be living with those choices day after day and there's no going backward in life -- just that steady movement onward as days come and go.

 

[TractorTYMe]

I've been married for almost 24 years (1st one still), I cannot give much advice on losing a spouse (Hope we still get many years together), but as always I'd follow the many who have advised to take time to grieve, IS ok. It is also ok to try to be happy as you get done working over things. Key is to stay active, keep the mind and body as fresh as conditions permit. Then figure out the material things in life later, one thing is fer sure! We don't get to take that with us when time is there.