Seeking wisdom and experience - planning for a future alone

[RustyA]

Everyone's path forward after the loss of a spouse is different. My wife's brother lost his perfectly healthy wife to a sudden miocardial infarction last year at the age of 56. EMT's said she was gone before she hit the floor, which awakened him from an afternoon nap. This was a year last month. He lived out of state as they had moved a lot as she was career Navy. He waited a year, cleaned out the house and sold it, moving back to our area where more of his family lives. Bought some bare acreage near us to build a small house and shed on, living with us until we finish his house next summer. For him not being alone with no family nearby made his load much heavier to bear. Living with us, helping to clear his building site and path for power to his 66 acres has been a good distraction. Both of his adult children live on the West coast and have their own lives and children to take care of. He is in much better shape today than he was a year ago. Obviously not over it but putting one foot in front of the other trying to move forward. I'm glad we are in a position in life to help him as much as possible make a new life by himself.

 

[DieselBound]

I'm a firm believer in crying being cathartic. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and have no fear of crying whenever that's an appropriate situation: lost many friends and family- cried; ex left me after 24 years (the death of a spouse doesn't leave one wondering whether they might come back) and cried; "lost" my dog- cried (and I will still weep over the loss of her). It makes one a human, and more of a human. Of course, one needs to come up for air: emotions are to serve specific events; events change and emotions ought to change with them- use emotions, but don't abuse them.

Perfectly good idea to seek out a counselor to help manage the overwhelming waves.

Your wife is what helped make you what you are. Prove that she did a good job!

[and, yes, my eyes are tearing up!]

Thank you to all who are able to show empathy. The world is sorely lacking that attribute...

 

[docone]

So very sorry for your loss.
I went through much the same thing in 2009, when my wife of 32 years was taken from me. I can assure you that time will help to heal the scars, and you will find your resolve to march on. I kept a few memorable items of hers to treasure, and in time I let the rest go, mostly to goodwill shops. We have one son who still lives nearby, and is a great source of comfort to me.
As for me, I sold the family home and bought my acreage to start fresh. In the last ten years, I have kept myself busy building the place, and have since remarried, at 51, I was too young to go through the rest of life alone. That is a personal choice, and you will do what you have to to survive, and LIVE.
My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you have the strength to carry on.

God speed,

Dave

 

[Oz_Kioti]

Hello Michael

Having just celebrated (in a quiet way - a bottle of bubbly) our 50th wedding anniversary just last week, your post is very very close to thoughts I am increasingly having, and I'm becoming teary and emotional as I type this.

We're on 40 acres, and yes for sure, it's taken both of us to bring it to how we love it. Over the years here, we've tried to offload more and more of the hard yakka and exertion to machines, so that takes care of the physical side of the property. But the mental and emotional side of being alone on a beautiful 40 acre block is something I find myself pondering more and more.

We have no children. Could I stay here alone? I do not know. Would I feel even more alone in a strange new place? Probably. My very practical wife would probably say to me "Get up off your arse and get on with life!"

I feel for you Michael, and my thoughts are with you mate.

 

[Doughknob]

...I think a lot of your answers will come with time and from your own heart. ...

Yep, precisely. Many things (inc 1 big one) are hidden in one's heart.

 

[ljjhouser]

I am sorry for your loss. I have not had that experience. I think time will help make some decisions for you. But I do know that life is a gift. Every single day. And I am certain your wife would want you to make the very most of everyday until it is time to come home to her. You may feel alone in a crowd, but you are not alone. Work to enjoy each day until decisions become clear to you. Until clearer days are here, Larry

 

[JasperFrank]

We never know. And we all think we will live longer than possible and get around to those projects and dreams, like we were in our thirties again. Realistically, being retired, there is a 15 year or so, window left. Sometimes I wonder about our projects and the need to get them done, "Right Now," with fantasies that, "We will have that rewarding gathering of our families on that large table under the pergola on the perfect day, with the perfect food." Like all the travel channels we follow, will happen. To me the possibility, of that, and the smile I will get from my Wife, is enough to get it done as soon as possible.

 

[dougtrr2]

Everyone handles loss and grieving in their own way, there is no "right" way. I have suffered losses. I would tell you to be aware of what I refer to as "landmines". Down the road, your life will have adjusted to a new normal. Without warning something will bring it all back. It could be a song, food, or just about anything. They will happen, be ready and go with it.

Doug in SW IA

 

[duffer]

So sorry for your loss. The good news is that you will always remember the good times. The bad times seem to fade quickly.

During my working life, I had to deal with several clients that lost a spouse, or equally bad, an adult child. Grieving is necessary and takes time. Sometimes lots of time. You'll know.

You are wise not to make any major decisions for 6 mos to a year. Having said that, your plans concerning the property were plans based on both of you being there. That plan may no longer be appropriate. It might...it might not. Only you will know.

In a few months when your sorrow settles down a little, pull your most "mentally mature" child aside, and have a heart to heart with them about what you're going thru, and your thought processes concerning various topics important to you. If you know a friend that has suffered the same loss as you, seek them out and don't be afraid to ask them how they dealt with it.

If none of that works for you, seek some counseling from a professional.

If you have a Financial Advisor that has experience in estate settlements, talk to them in a few months. You have plenty of time (legally) to make any appropriate changes to financial accounts.

 

[K5lwq]

Very sorry for your loss! I agree with the idea not to make any major decision till some time has passed. Sounds like you had a good one and the memories you made together will live forever.

Above everything else I would encourage you to lean on your network of friends and family. The more time you can spend with them the better. There is a time for everything and when it becomes the right time you will know. Until then, hang tuff. My prayers are with you.