thinking of having a child @ 48/42 yrs

[Gale Hawkins]

Try being a 5 year old child not having a family that loves you and shows you guidance, but instead being transferred from one foster home to another never knowing what a "real" family is.

I use to think like you in that no one is promised anything in this life, however, if you actually get involved and see what's going on in our own society, some kids are ****** over from the get go and have no clue what a "normal" life is.

The fact is that there are too many people on this earth already, and it's only getting worse.

Everyone has a right to have children, but I could never see the "burning desire" to have them. For myself, it's kind of selfish to "want your own at any cost" when there are so many out there that need a home.

Like I said previously, kids are a lot like dogs in many aspects. Neither get to choose their home or what kind of training they're going to get, and for some reason, some adults feel a need to spend big dollars to get one when so many others need help and you don't have to spend the money.

I never thought of kids being a lot like dogs in any aspects but I see your point. The need for foster parents is real because many did not plan for or want the kids they brought into the world.

Some adults are willing to adopt a grown pet and others want to start with a puppy so I guess the same applies when it comes to having kids. There is a huge learning curve with kids we have found.

Being 46/43 when our kids were born and them (twin boy/girl) being our first ever change me. When you are single for nearly 30 years and have been married for 15+ years it is easy to become self centered because no one else lives or dies because of your actions so to speak.

That changes in a flash but I was really ready to be a father and help pass on life lessons to kids. That could have been done with foster kids but I would have been too scared to try before having our own.

The wife wanted to home school but I had always been a fan of public schooling until a teacher that was just getting out of college about the time we were getting out of high school stood with tears in her eyes begging me should we ever have kids not to seen them to public school (the same one we attended and where she then taught). That was seven years before the kids were born but made a lasting impression on me because of our respect for this teacher so I went along with home schooling when that was what the wife wanted.

After 14+ years as a parent I can say I really would hate to know where another road would have taken us and me especially. My every day is driven by the desire to be a good parent and to prepare the kids for the kinds of things they are sure to face. If they do not do well in life we have no school system to blame (I do hear that excuse used a lot today) because we are it.

I had both hips replaced six years before the kids were born due to ankylosing spondylitis that is from head to toe literally. The fear of passing that down to kids really held me back for many years. While initally the wife was the driving force to have a family but I to wanted them very much but my fear of being a good father had increased with age.

Many men by have the fear of being the kind of father that they had for a roll model IF that role model was less than ideal I expect.

Our children will make mistakes we know as we have and still do make parenting mistakes with them. The kids and I did the 8000 mile cross country in the MH for 31 days this last fall. They had resealed the roof, replaced the roof AC gasket, made it shine with Bar Keeper's Friend and Red Max Pro 3, help tune it up, rotate the tires, replace the cooling unit in the frigerator and I could go on and on.

They asked for the MH and worked hard for five long years getting it ready for a cross country and I had told the son (driving force to get to the Grand Canyon for five years) that it would happen. No I would have not bought the MH or made the 8000 mile road trip if they had not been born but the desire to be a great father drives me on day by day.

We are now working to get them vehicles starting with older ones that will require we do a lot of work to get them road worthy because I have to teach them home and auto repair hence the purchase of the 1998 S10 pick up with 524K miles. The wife covers the other subjects for the most part and we do get them into learning enviroments outside of our home.

Where to have or not have a child is totally couples decision. There will always be enough pros and cons to decide Yes or No. I think this thread flushes out a lot of childhood joy and pain memories based on some of the posts.

Being 60 with profound physical (mental too per some ) limitations I can say the kids are our life and have done wonders for our marriage. It did not take long to see we were being doubled teamed by the twins by the time they were three so we had to work together as a team to survive.

Kids will not FIX a bad marriage but a marriage that had always envisioned producing children can seem broken without kids. That gets back to the fact that unmet expectations are the main reason for disappointments.

If the wife has been there and done that and has not personal desire to do it again but would only do it to make you happy then that would be a red flag in my book. I had been wanting a family since age 19 when I first met the one that became my wife.

Best of luck and do have a heart to heart with the wife. If kids were not discussed BEFORE the marriage I expect you know what you should do.

 

[ultrarunner]

^^^ Very insightful post.

I always wanted kids and so far it has not been in the cards.

Will have to say managing low income rental property for a number of years sure gave me room for pause.

So many of the kids were really left to grow up on their own... cereal, soda and chips for a diet... parents that slept till noon and having the 5 year old babysit the newborn while Mom went out to get cigarettes...

On the other hand, I did see some families fall on hard times and it was really inspiring to see how they all pulled together... even that 5 year old left babysitting and changing diapers was amazing because he was the man of the house and was always looking out for his mom and telling the boyfriends to go home because they made his mom cry...

I have learned that kids are very resilient... one of the families that pulled together and lost their mom now has a child that is a Doctor and she did it working 3 jobs while going to community college and applying to many schools with excellent grades...

You just never know how things will turn out because I have seen kids with every plus just throw it all away with drugs mostly... the best schools, home, new cars at 16, vacations around the world and they would rather stick to Meth, Coke or Crack.

 

[Dadof3]

Ask yourself the the following questions....

1. Are you willing to accept the added risk of trisomy 21 (downs syndrome)and other medical complications related to mature childbirth?
2. Are you willing to be attentive older parents (because you can if you want to)?
3. Are you willing to accept the stress of possible failure?
4. Are you ready for the the expenses and procedures of infertility that are a real possibility?

If your answers are overwhelmingly affirmative then go for it,quickly and with enthusiasm. Don't listen to the "world is too small" naysayers. If you are good parents (witch I'm sure you will be) then all of these theoretical negatives will be negated. Who knows you may have the next Thomas Jefferson.

Best wishes whatever you choose.
Steve
PS: I'm a retired OB-Gyn

 

[Hollow]

All I'm going to say as a 31yo foster parent is that it is very rewarding to know I am giving a child a chance at life that they would otherwise never have and I know a few other foster parents that are older than you that are raising the young children they have to adulthood.

 

[JB4310]

Ask yourself the the following questions....

1. Are you willing to accept the added risk of trisomy 21 (downs syndrome)and other medical complications related to mature childbirth?
2. Are you willing to be attentive older parents (because you can if you want to)?
3. Are you willing to accept the stress of possible failure?
4. Are you ready for the the expenses and procedures of infertility that are a real possibility?

If your answers are overwhelmingly affirmative then go for it,quickly and with enthusiasm. Don't listen to the "world is too small" naysayers. If you are good parents (witch I'm sure you will be) then all of these theoretical negatives will be negated. Who knows you may have the next Thomas Jefferson.

Best wishes whatever you choose.
Steve
PS: I'm a retired OB-Gyn

Steve,
Just curious, are those complications of mature child birth more closely related to the mother?

You hear about these ancient old guys like Larry king fathering kids late in life, if there are risks to the child related to the fathers advanced age, there should be a movement to educate people.

We've been lucky with all the ~40 year old mothers in my family, Grandmother Mother and Aunt.

I would think having kids would help keep someone more active, I'm 50 and my youngest is 13, I'm starting to become a couch potato cause they don't demand so much of my time, except driving them around.

JB

 

[Kyle_in_Tex]

My wife is much younger than I but I was 45 when I had my first. Had 1 more then thought that was all but the Lord blessed us with a third. It is a good thing that my wife has more energy than I.

She's always tired.

I do worry about what if's and such. We have no family fortune. I do carry a large life insurance policy.

PS, I'm a much better parent now than I could have been 25 years ago.

 

[Gale Hawkins]

Steve may have a different thought from my research and training age of both the male and female can increase odd of birth defects. As older parents one may know how to reduce other risks that 18 year old mothers to be may never thing about when it comes to doing/staying healthy before and after giving birth.

Age is not a big hairy deal. We have a young couple in position to take over should something happen to us but our kids will be out on their own in four years. I have family that came up in homes very broken and they have for the most part done better in life than others who had more ideal home life.

The fact is if people stop having babies like in the past our standard of living is going to slide down hill quickly. Babies are the only driver of financial growth because nothing else creates demand like an expanding population. Ask you local home builder about demand. Do to Walmart and count the number rows of goods that are geared to the 17 and younger age group.

To say there are to many babies today requires one to be void of understanding of their where success comes from. Foster kids are important as well and need quality parents as well that can help them break negative family cycles often. A tree or nation that is not getting larger each year is either DEAD or DYING.

Still do not make babies without counting the cost because it is REAL I can tell you. Two tricycles, two bicycles, two computers, two cars, two college educations, etc does cause dollars to change hands (from and not to you).

 

[beppington]

Ask yourself the the following questions....

1. Are you willing to accept the added risk of trisomy 21 (downs syndrome)and other medical complications related to mature childbirth?
2. Are you willing to be attentive older parents (because you can if you want to)?
3. Are you willing to accept the stress of possible failure?
4. Are you ready for the the expenses and procedures of infertility that are a real possibility?

If your answers are overwhelmingly affirmative then go for it,quickly and with enthusiasm. Don't listen to the "world is too small" naysayers. If you are good parents (witch I'm sure you will be) then all of these theoretical negatives will be negated. Who knows you may have the next Thomas Jefferson.

Best wishes whatever you choose.
Steve
PS: I'm a retired OB-Gyn

I dunno, seems like you're subconsciously implying that OP's wife wouldn't be such a good parent

 

[timswi]

I don't know, but I think people are being a little tough on the OP...He only knows his feelings on the matter, and why he asked that here is another question...

That being said, I know plenty of 70+ year olds that are more energetic and engaged than some of the 30ish people I know...In fact the 70+ guys are a lot more fun...They aren't tethered to some "I" device all of the time.

Your mileage may vary.

 

[Redneck in training]

The fact is if people stop having babies like in the past our standard of living is going to slide down hill quickly. Babies are the only driver of financial growth because nothing else creates demand like an expanding population. Ask you local home builder about demand. Do to Walmart and count the number rows of goods that are geared to the 17 and younger age group.

This might be true to some degree but in the long run our living standard will suffer. In example India. Its population increased about six times in past 70 years. All the progress India made after gaining independence was wiped out by population increase. Want to buy an acre of land in India? You would have to be pretty rich to do so. Every country with uncontrolled population rise has poor standard of living.