Todays Joke

[Scott_in_WVA]

: Bar & Drinking Jokes

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

 

[Anonymous Poster]

Q: What's the last thing a S. Illinois redneck says before he dies?

A: Hey y'all, watch this!

 

[cstocks]

That's a good 'un, Yama.../w3tcompact/icons/laugh.gif

 

[micromike]

Joke -- for a slow day.
1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quarto sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A
VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck
11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA
SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A
HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag
17. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their
hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A
BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, [censored]. A bad sky diver
goes [censored], whack.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT
Tame way, unique up on it.
21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP,
CLOP,CLOP.
An Amish drive-by-shooting.
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE
SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

 

[micromike]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has
gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate
that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God,
please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've
lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me?
I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and
I have always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get
my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the
heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

 

[micromike]

From the Original Hollywood Squares TV show these great questions and answers
are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not
scripted and dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
questions.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false? A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's
married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm ALWAYS safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting, "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what
was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he
says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet

 

[micromike]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....”Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!”
Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurt’s, don’t it?!”

 

[patrickg]

After ten years of marriage the spontaneity and sparkle was long gone and passion was at low ebb so the couple go to a marriage counselor who refers them to a doctor who sends them to a therapist who recommends that they abstain totally and absolutely with no attempts or substitutes or sublimation until after a week or so they will JUST KNOW the time is right and they are to "have at it" right then and there with absolutely no delay and expect to find the experience better than at any other time, even the honeymoon.

Nine L O N G weeks later after several calls to the therapist and being repetitively admonished to "stay the course" it is suddenly MAGIC TIME and the earth moves, fireworks, volcanoes errupt, and so on. They call the therapist and report the overwhelming, if somewhat delayed, success and described the conditions leading to success.

It seems they were enjoying a nice little candle lit dinner with champagne and during the dessert course she dropped her napkin and when she leaned over to pick it up he was leaning over to pick it up and they bumped heads. She looked at him, he looked at her and they knew the time was right so they yanked the table cloth and all the china, silver, and everything off the table onto the floor, both jumped onto the table and proceeded to go absolutely crazy with passion. They reported just one little hitch, it seems they are permanently barred from EVER returning to THAT particular Howard Johnson's.

 

[patrickg]

So this cowboy is riding along the trail and it intersects a road where he sees an indian lying on the ground in the middle of the road with his ear to the ground. Cowboy asks what's up and the indian says, "stagecoach, six horses, with driver, shotgun and two maybe three passengers." Coyboy says, "wow, you can tell all that by listening to the ground?" Indian says, "no, ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

Patrick (please no email in defense of the native Americans over some imagined affront, I'm part indian and I think it is a hoot)

 

[patrickg]

This sentient being of indeterminate national origin, ethnicity, religion, and political persuasion walks into a bar with a bullfrog growing out of the top of his head. The bartender asks, "Wow, where did you get that?" to which the frog replys, "It started out as a wart on my backside!"


Patrick (Please, no email complaining about my abuse or lack of respect for sentient beings of indeterminate national origin, ethnicity, religion, and political persuasion)