Would you help your soon-to-be-ex wife or not?

[Pops15]

Sorry about your situation. One thing that I don't think was mentioned is how her brothers feel towards you. If they blame the split on you, you probably don't want them in your house.
I'd be inclined to tell her to pack everything herself (if stuff gets damaged because of poor packing you don't want to get blamed for it), but I'd load the truck or trailer.....then send her on her way. Her brothers or friends could unload/unpack. I think you'd be doing enough that she couldn't say you were being unreasonable, but not so much as to give her the idea that you're a pushover.
I'm reminded of an old saying...."Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate." Treat her as a friend that's gone. Don't do anything that would make her go to the enemy column.

 

[OldMcDonald]

I suppose none of us know what we WOULD do unless we had been in the situation before, but what you SHOULD do is be nice right through to the very end. You might regret that later, but I think you would regret it even more if you are not. You must have had a lot of good times in those 20-odd years. Think of them when you help her. And all the very best for the future.

 

[JDgreen227]

Just saw this thread this morning and I gotta say I was shocked at first till I read the whole thread about some sort of a link. to murphy - hopefully whatever happened to your pc wasnt from me -- if it was it was unintentional . I had no idea.

SO JDgreene227 - whats your plan? are you going to help or just stand back? inquiring minds wants to know .

Have been helping her pack and move stuff since the day before Thanksgiving....I have a large SUV and a big utility trailer and have taken a LOT of stuff to her folks house already and I was just wondering how the members here felt. My younger brother and two of my close friends all told me they would not feel the least bit obligated to help her at all if they were in my situation. May I clarify something? The only reason I didn't divorce her a long time ago is because one is supposed to stay with a spouse for better or worse, and she took advantage of me for a LONG time. Had I not liked her family so much I would not have put up with her for 20 years, and her brothers all think I am a good guy because THEY know what she is like...I kinda get the feeling THEY don't want to help her themselves...:laughing:

 

[JD5210]

I would look at what is the outcome of not doing what you are told. If she has not signed the papers, after 20 years she gets half and in some cases half of your pension and social security. No reason to get her upset. By doing as you are told, you get rid of her quicker, change the locks and move on with your life. There is a lot woman out there and if you like extra meat on them there is a ton of them out there.

Also by helping you can check that she is not taking any of your stuff.

 

[randy41]

i haven't read through all the posts. i wouldn't help her at all. she wants to go it alone let her at it. not sure if you're upset about her moving out but if you are then i'm sorry this happened to you. if you're not then congrats. oh, i don;t think helping her move is any guarantee that she won't rake you over the coals.

 

[deepNdirt]

Sorry for the outcome of your situation, I haven't read through each reply in your thread, so forgive me if I'm repeating something someone else has already written, 20 years is quite a time to spend together and durring this time the two of you have acquired many things ( jointly )
When a marriage is over, one of the first thing talked about is just as you stated, (who's getting what? ), Most people in the beginning of a planed relationship and soon to be married never thinks about breaking up, therefor never makes prenuptial arrangements before the merger, Unfortunately one of the qualities most woman are looking for in a man is to provide her with things she cannot provide for her self, Usually this type woman and marriages don't work out anyway, ............so! moving on along........ This type of woman will try and take everything her and the husband have acquired together either to liquidate or wind up loosing later on, Leaving nothing for the man and resulting in him having to start over again,................. The bottom line is, Give her the help she needs for the time it takes for everything to finalize, Otherwise could set yourself to be rolled,
My suggestion is not based on personal experience, my wife and I being happily married for 34 years, although I have observed my Mom go through 4 marriages in my life time

My best wishes and hope the both of you can remain friends,:thumbsup:

 

[OldMcDonald]

deepNdirt, I have always liked your "sign-off" (unique on the forums I frequent) because, although I have seen it written slightly differently in several ways, it is so true. The origins appear to be lost in time - nobody bother to try googling, you just end up with a lot of hypotheses. I do know a few blokes who married, shall we say above themselves, and then went off richer than they were before - so it can work both ways. I am fairly well into my 5th decade of marriage. It sounds a long time, and it is. It is not easy, never has been, and I still like to look, but know I am not the man I was 40 years ago, so looking is as far as it goes.

 

[Steve_Miller]

It's never going to be easy but cover your butt just for better or worse. Photograph everything and put an appraised value to it as it goes out the door. Keep this for future reference in case something arises that you don't expect (once lawyers get involved). Everything will have a value at some point. Once it goes out the door with no record its your word against hers if it comes to that. I've never gone through anything like this and hope I never have to but I think you have to be prepared for anything.

Steve

 

[windy acers]

I helped my ex of 20 years 12 years ago. Her familey was very suportive of me and even drove 10 hours to visit me and my wife a few years later. I feel god smiled on the whole situation.we are curently retired at a young age and all is well.

 

[westcliffe01]

JD, a divorce is often the most traumatic event in peoples lives, particularly "when they have a few years on them". It is easy to second guess what you should or should not do. But if you have not lived your life as an ***, then now is not the time to play that game either. The world is full of hate and nastiness, we need to think carefully about adding to it. The only guys who profit from that are lawyers. Maintaining your own dignity will go a long way to continuing a life without regrets. If you might do something for a complete stranger, there is no reason not to do it for someone you spent a good portion of your life with. If her lawyer was already taking you to the cleaners, it would be harder to be motivated about it, but I would still do it, because stooping to the lowest common denominator just de-humanizes yourself.

BTW, my ex of 9 years had an affair with a "wild man", then brought in a photographer to shoot hundreds of nude pictures of herself which she displayed in an art fair in the small town I was living in in Germany !!!! But I didn't lose it and gave her some time, because I thought she was going through some sort of personal crisis. In the end, I got a new job in the US and after provoking me for months she finally filed for divorce herself and the procedure in Germany's "family court" was remarkably efficient. She had long since moved out and I was living in a bed and breakfast place while waiting for my work permit to come through for the US. Amazingly enough, I had not lived in the US 2 months when she was trying to get together again.... Forget that...