Female advice needed

[Egbert]

"I have not been faced with this, but here's my take anyway. As a woman, I can compete with another woman, but I cannot compete with a ghost."

E X A C T L Y !!!! I can't tell you how many times I heard something almost identical.

While it is sometimes true that a departed wife has achieved sainthood, I was not one to skew the realities of a 21 year marriage. It was almost impossible to make the point - I loved being married - I honored my vows - I wanted to be married again - My late wife was not a threat.

I would encourage women who encounter this situation to, at least, take enough time to discover if the widower has appointed himself Pope. Frankly, (and I know some guys are going to come looking for me), there is no better candidate for marriage than one who has lost their spouse.
We didn't leave when the going got rough.


Oh well ... that's all water under the bridge now.

 

[dave1949]

FG19: "I have not been faced with this, but here's my take anyway. As a woman, I can compete with another woman, but I cannot compete with a ghost."

E X A C T L Y !!!! I can't tell you how many times I heard something almost identical.

While it is sometimes true that a departed wife has achieved sainthood, I was not one to skew the realities of a 21 year marriage. It was almost impossible to make the point - I loved being married - I honored my vows - I wanted to be married again - My late wife was not a threat.

I would encourage women who encounter this situation to, at least, take enough time to discover if the widower has appointed himself Pope. Frankly, (and I know some guys are going to come looking for me), there is no better candidate for marriage than one who has lost their spouse.
We didn't leave when the going got rough.


Oh well ... that's all water under the bridge now.

I dunno about the feeling of competing with someone.

I look at it as if a person is the right one, then there is no way to compete. If competing is necessary, that implies that someone better??? could come along as if the judging has remained open. Those conditions are at odds with each other. If someone else can seriously turn your head (okay,:laughing: two or three times), perhaps you aren't with the right one.

No one is going to forget or do a memory wipe of a departed spouse. Pretending that is what is being done is dishonest in a way. If someone loves us, then they understand our cherished memories. Demanding or expecting someone to pretend that they have done a memory wipe is less than fully accepting the whole person, or a case of insecurity.

That's my :2cents:. Mind you, I haven't been on a first date since 1969 and I've not lost a spouse. So perhaps my perspective is unrealistic.

 

[peterc38]

I would sell it and use the money to buy the new lady friend new jewelry.

Also, I truly mean no offense by this and maybe I'm being overly paranoid, but I would not post pictures of my valuable jewelry collection on any public online forum.

 

[daugen]

I would sell it and use the money to buy the new lady friend new jewelry.

Also, I truly mean no offense by this and maybe I'm being overly paranoid, but I would not post pictures of my valuable jewelry collection on any public online forum.

thank you Peter. You are absolutely right, though it all goes into a safe.
And not to diminish your good advice, if it were stolen, I'd get full value.
Versus thirty cents on a dollar at the jeweler. But who wants some low life
in one's home, which of course is the point. I am alarmed to the teeth, btw...

 

[farmgirl19]

I dunno about the feeling of competing with someone.

I look at it as if a person is the right one, then there is no way to compete. If competing is necessary, that implies that someone better??? could come along as if the judging has remained open. Those conditions are at odds with each other. If someone else can seriously turn your head (okay,:laughing: two or three times), perhaps you aren't with the right one.

No one is going to forget or do a memory wipe of a departed spouse. Pretending that is what is being done is dishonest in a way. If someone loves us, then they understand our cherished memories. Demanding or expecting someone to pretend that they have done a memory wipe is less than fully accepting the whole person, or a case of insecurity.

That's my :2cents:. Mind you, I haven't been on a first date since 1969 and I've not lost a spouse. So perhaps my perspective is unrealistic.

No, and would not expect one to erase memories. As I stated, I have not come into the situation yet. But, if one is compared to the lost spouse, then it might leave doubt. After all, the lost spouse was the love of your life. When being compared to another, probably easier if it is a living individual.

If no comparisons are made, or insinuated, then my thoughts are irrelevant. This topic asked for a female perspective. I'm not the typical female either. How many of us hang around a tractor forum? So, my opinions are just that, opinions.

 

[IslandTractor]

thank you Peter. You are absolutely right, though it all goes into a safe.
And not to diminish your good advice, if it were stolen, I'd get full value.
Versus thirty cents on a dollar at the jeweler. But who wants some low life
in one's home, which of course is the point. I am alarmed to the teeth, btw...

The security concern is real. A year or so ago a TBN member was bragging about his gold collection and posted a few photos of his home. In about twenty minutes I was able to locate the home on Googlemaps and then could identify him and where he worked. I sent him a PM so he removed the photos but we were both shocked how easy it had been to pinpoint him.

 

[creekbend]

Do you or your deceased Wife have any close Relatives that would be Proud to have some of the Pieces for Posterity? Just a thought. Please take care.

 

[RobertBrown]

Lot's of good thoughts here. It's hard to say how giving away your wife's jewelery may or may not be interpreted.
It seems to me that it's just stuff now. I'm sure it meant a lot to her but now, it's just stuff...perhaps valuable but still, it's what you make of it.
I agree with Jim, giving a piece or two to some other woman may get more complicated or have unintended results, so that's left to your powers of deduction and I trust your judgement there.
Doesn't seem like you need the money, if you did, you could maybe turn the jewelery into a new tractor or something else you covet. I think your wife would want that.

 

[dave1949]

No, and would not expect one to erase memories. As I stated, I have not come into the situation yet. But, if one is compared to the lost spouse, then it might leave doubt. After all, the lost spouse was the love of your life. When being compared to another, probably easier if it is a living individual.

If no comparisons are made, or insinuated, then my thoughts are irrelevant. This topic asked for a female perspective. I'm not the typical female either. How many of us hang around a tractor forum? So, my opinions are just that, opinions.

Not intending to ruffle any feathers, and of course mine is a old guy's opinion.

I would have to agree that any expressed or implied comparisons would be a relationship killer, but it would be safe to assume that those comparisons are unavoidable.

Maybe a forthright method of dealing with past loves and new ones is to just ask. Suppose you were asked "What are the three best and worst things about your ex?" Could you, would you answer truthfully? It would take a lot of trust to do it. But, trust is probably the most important quality to find in another person.

Someone you trust 110% with your children, your last dollar, your dog, your most hideous secrets, and will tell you when you are right or wrong. That's a good person to have by your side.

 

[daugen]

I figured out how to delete the picture, it wasn't adding anything other than creating risk for me, so good idea, you all got the point anyway. Thanks for the suggestion, even a retired insurance agent isn't too bright at times.

I think if the jewelry was taken apart and made into something new, then it would be ok to give away, it's something new for someone new. Starting a relationship with "leftovers" could get dicey...

Creekbend, the only close relative was my sister, and I let her pick a piece she liked, to remember Nadene by.

when you don't have kids, you spend money on jewelry instead of braces or college educations. I gave my wife a piece of jewelry every xmas and every b'day, so that's 32 of something. And now I hope after I sell most of it that some lady will get joy out of getting the jewelry because it's "new" to her and given with love.

 

[randy41]

there's about several thousand dollars worth of 2 cents in this thread so here's $1,000.02. any woman that you give a gift to should be grateful to receive it no matter what the original source is. its the thought that's supposed to count not the material goody itself.

 

[tractorshopper]

Daugen, I'm very sorry for your loss. I almost lost my wife unexpectedly 2 years ago next month at the age of 38. I don't know what I would have done or how I would have coped, but her stuff would have gone to our daughters and her sisters I'd presume is how I would have handled it.

We have had some of those morbid talks since that event, although probably still not enough. I know it cannot be easy to discuss for you, but some of us may benefit from the very questions you're asking and thoughts you're expressing as you move forward. I know for me this thread has once again made me realize how I shouldn't take mine for granted. I'll be praying for you.

 

[dmccarty]

You need to find some better women to date.

Well, sometimes that is exactly right.

The problem is, some widows/widowers put their late spouse on a pedestal and thereby place their new mates in a tough spot. I can certainly understand this but had no idea just how strongly women felt on the matter.

I can certainly see if the dead spouse was put on a pedestal that this would not bode well for a new relationship but the surviving spouse would be at fault for doing so when in a new relationship. If a person said they would not date a widow/widower, well that is a good filter, one should realize they dodged a bullet and lots of drama and move on. Men die before women on average, so for a man, there are more women available than men. For a change, the man gets to be a bit picky after a certain age. :laughing::laughing::laughing:

My neighbor certainly did not have problem getting a date with different women after his wife died. He waited until he was ready to date and he had a nice social life for awhile. Frankly, at his age, getting divorced would be a bigger warning sign to be than having a spouse die.

Later,
Dan

 

[daugen]

there's about several thousand dollars worth of 2 cents in this thread so here's $1,000.02. any woman that you give a gift to should be grateful to receive it no matter what the original source is. its the thought that's supposed to count not the material goody itself.

Randy, That certainly is logical and sensible. However, since the female mind is not logical and sensible all the time, a minor understatement for many... then it gets interesting.

My problem is an overactive conscience and a faith mandate to be truthful, so I was concerned about appropriate disclosure. Got that figured out, don't think I'll give that nice emerald bracelet away and then chat about when I gave it to my last wife...:fiery: Gosh, it looks better on you honey. unch:

 

[randy41]

Randy, That certainly is logical and sensible. However, since the female mind is not logical and sensible all the time, a minor understatement for many... then it gets interesting.

this is for sure. sorry for your loss and best of luck to you.

 

[4shorts]

Daugen on behalf of my wife and I please accept our sincerest condolences. So sorry to hear about your loss. You'll be in our prayers.

As for the jewelry. It reminds me of my days when I was a service manager with a GM dealership. The techs would come into my office and ask "Do you think these brakes need to be replaced?" I would answer " if you need to ask you must feel they do need to be replaced".

It's kind of the same here or at least it's the way I see it. If you need to ask you know it's not right. I'd get rid of the jewelry. Why risk putting tension on a new relationship some time having it around. I asked my wife what she thought and she said she would NEVER want anything to do with it in any case.

Hope you find peace and comfort sir.
All the best to you.

Paul

 

[Egon]

Hmmm; female advice?

 

[varmint]

This thread makes me think about a good friend whose wife passed away after battling cancer for 5 + years, leaving my friend devastated, but surrounded by people who had known and loved them both. As he cleaned up their house, giving away much of what they had collected in their many travels together, he didn't find some beautiful, valuable indian silver and turquiose necklaces he had given her over the years (he would go to Central America for a couple weeks most winters for intensive Spanish language study, and had found a silver master who's work he admired in the city where the language school was, and would get a necklace as a gift for each trip she allowed him- not needed, but appreciated.) His wife had loved them. Not too long after her memorial service, (which had over 500 folks travel to attend, telling you a lot about his wife) in a small midwest town, he ran into a local woman they had both known- someone without much money, who was wearing one of the necklaces. His wife, in the months before she died, had had this woman, and several others, admire her necklaces while she was wearing them. If she felt those women would truely appreciate them, she would simply take them off, and put them on the other woman's neck and tell them it was a gift, to be enjoyed. He encountered several of these necklaces in the ensuing months. They all felt as if they needed to explain why they had them, and treasured the memory of the woman who had given them away. My friend was fine with that.
My advice would be to store them away, and perhaps you will be lucky and find someone else wonderful. Maybe, or maybe not, they would appreciate what you have saved. Just play it by ear, whenever the time is right. And, sorry for your loss.

 

[daugen]

I continue to appreciate all the good thoughts. It's been a week since my wife died and I'm still in a fog but each day is better. This is not something that is easy to write about on a public forum, but you know, all of us have to go through this, well most of us, and I'm hoping some good will come of it.

After seven years, a dozen operations, three radiations, five chemo treatments, thirty hospital stays, most a week or more, I am just plain exhausted. And we all know that good decisions usually don't come when we are tired...so I'm not trying to rush things. It's my wife's sister who is still in town from the funeral who seems to think it's perfectly ok for her to go through every drawer in our house looking for mementos of her sister. She has no idea how invasive that feels. If I find something family oriented, it will go back to family. I guess she is just grasping for some continued connection, and I feel for her. I sure know what that's like.

so I'm going faster than I want, but this too will pass. Yesterday the sister and SIL packed clothes for three hours, and then I let them have their pick of handbags and costume jewelry. But when they started to discuss who should get the Coach handbag, and almost began arguing, I lost it and barked at the sister that I was not going to listen to them argue over my wife's stuff. Maybe this is just normal and I'm not used to this. My wife's new sewing machine is going to one lady and her serger to the other. Luckily the SIL is an accomplished seamstress who can really use the machinery. So I feel good about that.

Varmint, nice story about your friend, thanks.

 

[Coyote machine]

Grief comes in different ways for different people, but the general concept is that one goes through 5 stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Here is the reference from which the above originated:Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A week is just scratching the surface of your eventual pain. Take it easy, really, and don't let sister's or SIL's push you where you aren't ready to go. You ritefully so expressed some anger and frustration about the handbag rift, good for you. Let them know how you feel about what's going on and that you can't stand by and watch them fight over material stuff. If need be enact drawing straws to keep the claws from coming out.:confused3:
A faith based truth telling streak is fine, yet try to temper your desire to be truthful with the effect it may have on others. There is no requirement to hurt others by being truthful, so temper the two, to have the desired outcome without causing any participants pain. Slow and steady.