Female advice needed

[newbury]

Drew -
You've been thru the wringer for the last few years. I'm sure many of us follow your threads and others like Mossflower partially in anticipation of facing the same decisions.

Having dealt with about 15 deaths of close family members in the past 20 years I am always in awe of my wife. She has ended up being executor for all of them. The pattern unfortunately has become routine.

Jewelry and other small valuables that didn't bear a direct connection with someone (i.e. Aunt Ruth gave her that) have usually been photographed and pictures circulated among the first 2 levels of kinship (first cousin, second, etc.) with the instruction generally pick a piece. She usually sets a time limit, like 3 months for discussions to end. Occasionally 2 people want the same thing and that's where she has to step in.

Yet invariably someone wants something years later, that they should have gotten immediately. We just had a close relative call up asking for some of the dinnerware that an Aunt (who passed away 3 years ago) had owned. No one else had taken it. It means a lot to that relative. It's value at either a flea market or Antique Roadshow would probably be less than $10. If we knew where it was it would be great, but it probably got thrown out.

Jewelry is even worse. I agree with many others that it might be best to let it set for a couple of years. And it is not something to keep for a future "Mrs. Drew".

 

[daugen]

Drew, I don't mean this in any judgmental way, but did you and Nadene not ever have any discussions of what her wishes might be? I can understand that you both would not let your thoughts be anything but positive, but I'm still a bit surprised.

Jim, I hear you. She had bequests in her will and I got her to write down her burial desires two years ago and got both she and her mother to sign it. I was worried about her emotional brother doing some last minute medical end run. She was very clear she was a DNR. But what to do with the clothing and other stuff? We never did talk about the jewelery, she had many other things on her mind. And it wasn't a big issue to me because I don't ever expect to marry again.
So no, we never went over it. This is when I find out all the things I should have done..., but luckily my last career was as a CFP so I understand the process.

I do think the shelter will take the underwear though I'm going to wash it all again.
Kevin, maybe i will wear some of that underwear over my head on my first date.
How do you think that would go over? One way to keep me single...

 

[mikehaugen]

Kevin, maybe i will wear some of that underwear over my head on my first date.
How do you think that would go over? One way to keep me single...

Probably about like a tin-foil hat! :laughing:

 

[dmccarty]

Probably about like a tin-foil hat! :laughing:

I am sure Brin will give Daugen help on the fine points of tin foil hat making. I would bet Daugen will be dressed to impressed with a Brin designed Tin Foil Hat using Reynolds aluminum. A Brin Hat will be much better than an Underwear hat. :thumbsup::laughing::laughing::laughing:

Later,
Dan

 

[Egbert]

I went through this a few years back. It's not just the jewelry.

First, I found that being widowed was like having leprosy. MANY women absolutely will not date a widower. They feel as though they'll be competing with a sainted ghost. The insanity was, a lot of them were divorced and that didn't seem to matter to them at all. I can't imagine being afraid to date/marry a man who stood by his vows until death - while having no problem with someone who gave up and walked away from their marriage.

I had to empty my home of just about e v e r y t h i n g to avoid problems. Curio cabinet contents, artwork, jewelry and clothing for starters. It didn't matter that some items were those I had picked for us. Nope! Get it outta here!!!

By the way, I am also not a woman ... but sometimes I play one on the Internet

 

[bakerg]

Drew..Why not give yourself some time to heal....all of this you have been through...Why not pack the jewelry up , put it away and revisit the issue a year of so from now...If you dispose of the jewelery now you may deeply regret it later...your mementos and keepsakes will be gone...God Bless.

Drew, I'm with Bob also. Pack the stuff away and give yourself time to heal. I was really surprised that you are doing this so quickly. Be patient and you may come up with an idea what to do with the jewelry down the road. Even a strong man like you needs time, I know I would not be able to handle what you are going through as well as you are.

 

[oosik]

Daugen,
You have my very deepest sympathy. My wife of 45 years passed away in 2009. Listen to all the others who have posted here and just hang on to her jewelry for now. Give a new friend new jewelry which matches her style and your new sentiments. I'm in a very fortunate position - a lot of the jewelry was passed down thru many generations, which I have passed on and there are a lot of grand daughters who appreciate some of the remainder. I have kept some of the more precious pieces that I gave her and meant the most to her. And lastly as many have said - do not do anything in haste, give yourself time. Let the healing process help you at this time.

 

[Egbert]

oosik, sorry to hear of your loss as well. It seems there are several of us on here.

I know, for myself, it was several years before I felt I had regained logical control of my emotions and decisions. The first 6 - 12 months were a roller-coaster to be sure. It was about 18 months before I even tried dating, because I didn't feel it would be fair to anyone I might meet.

In the end, I kept a very few pieces of her jewelry and our picture scrapbooks. Everything else was either sold or given away.

 

[daugen]

thanks guys, and even guys who play women...
The only reason this came up is the sister from NM being in town and wanting to "help". Lay claim is more like it. :confused3:
So tomorrow she and my SIL come over and they will go through the clothing, some of which the SIL can wear.
I will exit stage left for the duration. And I will hide the good jewelry...they can have all the costume stuff they want.

I honestly do not have an emotional attachment to most of the good jewelry. Yes, some like the chocolate diamond ring we got in USVI, or the very first piece I gave her, they have history and good memories for me, but I don't have to keep them. I kept her one favorite necklace, and the little solid silver manatee is floating in air in front of me, well, hanging from the lamp...And our wedding rings. Giving away or selling those pieces isn't going to happen.

I see jewelry as the love behind it. Without the love it's just a trinket.

 

[farmgirl19]

OK, as a second female "voice" here, I'll throw in my :2cents:.

First, I too think you should wait a while before parting with those jewelry pieces. They don't take up much space, and they will never lose their value. Put them in a safety deposit box, and give it some time. With them out of sight, it might not be as painful for you.

As far as the actual question, yep, "It depends". If you were just trying to get rid of the jewelry, I don't think most girls would want it. If you were giving it to someone in a new relationship, I still don't think they would want it, knowing it would be reminding you of Nadene.

If you and Nadene had a long time family friend, then she would likely be honored to have some of it, if she was the type to wear jewelry, as it would let her feel close to her departed dear friend.

I'm sure there are other scenarios possible, but those are the ones I can think of, and I still think you should take your time to think it through.