First Marriage in your 60’s?

[tradosaurus]

I once dated a 45yr old woman, she had a 6 yr old sister, her dad married a 17yr old when he was 86.

That's messed up.

 

[ultrarunner]

Kelsey Grammer 70 is expecting new arrival with wife age 46…

 

[Torvy]

Kelsey Grammer 70 is expecting new arrival with wife age 46…

Whomever said older guys are more likely to have kids with defects...that is a much bigger issue for women over 35. We keep producing new gametes. Women are born with their full supply.

 

[ning]

Whomever said older guys are more likely to have kids with defects...that is a much bigger issue for women over 35. We keep producing new gametes. Women are born with their full supply.

There's no doubt that women's eggs get damaged over time, but men's sperm production is similarly damaged despite men producing it new all the time (think of it like the templates for making the sperm are getting damaged, so you make different sperm as you age).

Of course, much damaged sperm just doesn't play a part (merely causing a reduction in male fertility; similarly most damaged eggs are more an issue with a lowering of female fertility).

Unfortunately - though not entirely surprisingly - there are very few studies which examine the rate of birth defects with both parent ages as variables, so it's hard to determine at this point how much of the defect comes from the age of the male parent.

This is all to say that while the issue is bigger with women over 35, it's unknown (ie poorly studied) how much of an issue it is with men, and how much of the danger from older women is compounded or directly due to the older man:

(link)

TL;DR - it's complicated, and most people think it's mostly an older female parent's fault, but we actually don't know how much fault is due to an older male parent, likely because it's inconvenient to study that.

 

[Torvy]

There's only been one study showing older men being a significant issue. It reads more like they had a result in mind before they started.

There is an interesting study from Norway, but they focus more on average parent age. They did acknowledge that it is much worse for older women.

There are too many variables to get a really good study. Also hard to get people to study things without bias toward their funding source's preferences.

 

[not2old]

My first marriage was in November of 1969 so I guess I just squeaked into this club

 

[MossRoad]

From what I've read, the older a man gets, the percentage chance of him fathering a child with a birth defect rises significantly. However, that's kinda deceiving. The analogy in the study equated it to buying 2 lottery tickets instead of 1. You're probably still not going to win (or lose in this case).

My wife and I wanted a lot of children. We tried for 7 years to get the first one and 5 more to get the 2nd one. Some people started telling us we should stop trying because the chance of birth defects had doubled at our age. Our Doctors said to keep trying because the chances were very low to begin with, and remained low even though they doubled percentage-wise.

So, we figured we'd get one and if it was OK, we'd try for a 2nd. If not, we'd deal with the first one, as we were mature enough to handle anything thrown at us.

We were fortunate to get two healthy babies out of the deal.
We also lost a few in miscarriages.

So our hearts go out to the folks that want children and are having a tough time conceiving. We were at the point of adoption when the last one came. We just knew that we wanted children, and had a lot to offer.

Would I want to father more babies at age 50+? Now, no. But if I didn't have any already, probably yes.

Depends on the woman, my health, her health, financial situation, the desire to procreate... lots of factors, I'd assume.

 

[Runner]

From what I've read, the older a man gets, the percentage chance of him fathering a child with a birth defect rises significantly. However, that's kinda deceiving. The analogy in the study equated it to buying 2 lottery tickets instead of 1. You're probably still not going to win (or lose in this case).

My wife and I wanted a lot of children. We tried for 7 years to get the first one and 5 more to get the 2nd one. Some people started telling us we should stop trying because the chance of birth defects had doubled at our age. Our Doctors said to keep trying because the chances were very low to begin with, and remained low even though they doubled percentage-wise.

So, we figured we'd get one and if it was OK, we'd try for a 2nd. If not, we'd deal with the first one, as we were mature enough to handle anything thrown at us.

We were fortunate to get two healthy babies out of the deal.
We also lost a few in miscarriages.

So our hearts go out to the folks that want children and are having a tough time conceiving. We were at the point of adoption when the last one came. We just knew that we wanted children, and had a lot to offer.

Would I want to father more babies at age 50+? Now, no. But if I didn't have any already, probably yes.

Depends on the woman, my health, her health, financial situation, the desire to procreate... lots of factors, I'd assume.

Your kids are blessed to have parents like you. Bravo.

 

[MossRoad]

Your kids are blessed to have parents like you. Bravo.

Thanks! We're blessed to have them.

A long time ago, one of them was ill and I had to rush her to the emergency room with breathing problems. Maybe 5 years old. They soon cleared it up. It was about 3:00am, and the kid was sitting up in the bed watching cartoons. The Dr. came in and started asking me questions about the symptoms, when it started, how she felt, etc... and the kid started answering the Dr. before I could. So, we let her continue. She had a nice almost adult conversation with the Dr. and went back to watching cartoons. The Dr. sat there looking at her and tears started welling up in his eyes. Then he asked "How do you get kids like this?"

I said "First, you have to want them."

Planned or unplanned, you have to want them once they are here.

Of course, there is also the luck of the draw. Perfectly healthy parents can have children with mental or physical issues, and vice versa. My in-laws question how they could have a child like my wife, and then have two like her siblings. (they are bizarre, folks )

It's a roll of the dice....

 

[Torvy]

My wife and I wanted a lot of children. We tried for 7 years to get the first one and 5 more to get the 2nd one. Some people started telling us we should stop trying because the chance of birth defects had doubled at our age. Our Doctors said to keep trying because the chances were very low to begin with, and remained low even though they doubled percentage-wise.

So, we figured we'd get one and if it was OK, we'd try for a 2nd. If not, we'd deal with the first one, as we were mature enough to handle anything thrown at us.

We were fortunate to get two healthy babies out of the deal.
We also lost a few in miscarriages.

So our hearts go out to the folks that want children and are having a tough time conceiving. We were at the point of adoption when the last one came. We just knew that we wanted children, and had a lot to offer.

Similar for us. 6 years for the 1st one. Somehow that kick started her system and we had 3 more make it to full term and lost another.

We were almost done with 30 hours of foster/adoption training when we found out about the first one. We ended up doing respite care.

They thought he might have a problem...turns out he's a healthy genius.

For older women, the risks are in the 2-4% range. For older guys, it's less than 1%. So, while not exactly lottery rare, double the chances are still low.

About the same risk as colon cancer, but they want you to get checked all of the time for that, even if you don't have a family history.

 

[EscapedSuburbia]

A friend of mine who's in his mid 70s recently got married after being single for the last 50 years. The thing I'm trying to get my head around is how do you get over the little quirks people develop after living alone so long? Throw pillows everywhere, which shelf the toothpaste goes on, does the bed get made every day? I know these are tiny, inconsequential things but people who live alone get into habits and it has to be hard negotiating the hundreds of daily little changes that come with a partner. My wife and I got married in our 20s so we didn't have decades to develop habits and preferences so we didn't have much trouble navigating living together. I'm fascinated that people who've lived alone a long time can accommodate all those little daily compromises. Maybe we just get more laid back as we age.

 

[Torvy]

It's all about willingness to change, or at least tolerate differences. After 35 years, we still drive each other crazy and we were married in our 20s, too.

We always say if there's more than one way to do something, we will pick different ways. Sometimes that's useful. Other times it makes 2 type A people nuts!

 

[Runner]

A friend of mine who's in his mid 70s recently got married after being single for the last 50 years. The thing I'm trying to get my head around is how do you get over the little quirks people develop after living alone so long? Throw pillows everywhere, which shelf the toothpaste goes on, does the bed get made every day? I know these are tiny, inconsequential things but people who live alone get into habits and it has to be hard negotiating the hundreds of daily little changes that come with a partner. My wife and I got married in our 20s so we didn't have decades to develop habits and preferences so we didn't have much trouble navigating living together. I'm fascinated that people who've lived alone a long time can accommodate all those little daily compromises. Maybe we just get more laid back as we age.

As someone who got married at age 40, 10 years after a divorce, and who has been married for 25 years this month, I believe it all comes down to respect and trust. You have to trust your partner enough to know you don't have to "monitor" everything they do to make sure it meets with your approval. You have to respect your partner enough to KNOW they are going to make the right decision in a given situation.

You have to respect the person enough to ignore those weird little issues that WE ALL have. You have to be willing to let little things go, to the point of deliberately not saying anything, even with your significant other "messes up", because, I guarantee you, you will screw something up the next time.... and you will appreciate and respect the fact that your partner doesn't throw it in your face.

You need to get to know someone well enough to trust and respect each other completely, in order to have a relationship that works, IMHO.

 

[MattB4]

A friend of mine who's in his mid 70s recently got married after being single for the last 50 years. The thing I'm trying to get my head around is how do you get over the little quirks people develop after living alone so long? ...

It most often does not work out. Previously married or even those that with a live in companion are used to the compromises that must be made. Solitaries like your friend, if they are still independent of care, are almost never going to want to make the necessary changes.

I never married, although I was not opposed when younger, but now I am in my 60'S I see no reason to. Problem with younger women is, unlike a dog or cat that lives at most 15-20 years, they can live 50 or more. Way too long to put up with at my age.

 

[drssg]

It most often does not work out. Previously married or even those that with a live in companion are used to the compromises that must be made. Solitaries like your friend, if they are still independent of care, are almost never going to want to make the necessary changes.

I never married, although I was not opposed when younger, but now I am in my 60'S I see no reason to. Problem with younger women is, unlike a dog or cat that lives at most 15-20 years, they can live 50 or more. Way too long to put up with at my age.

That sounds like the gold digger philosophy. She can marry some old guy, and it's like getting a dog that will leave you a big inheritance!

 

[MossRoad]

As someone who got married at age 40, 10 years after a divorce, and who has been married for 25 years this month, I believe it all comes down to respect and trust. You have to trust your partner enough to know you don't have to "monitor" everything they do to make sure it meets with your approval. You have to respect your partner enough to KNOW they are going to make the right decision in a given situation.

You have to respect the person enough to ignore those weird little issues that WE ALL have. You have to be willing to let little things go, to the point of deliberately not saying anything, even with your significant other "messes up", because, I guarantee you, you will screw something up the next time.... and you will appreciate and respect the fact that your partner doesn't throw it in your face.

You need to get to know someone well enough to trust and respect each other completely, in order to have a relationship that works, IMHO.

Happy Anniversary!

I send this to my kid and her husband every year... there's a longer version, but this is just as annoying.

 

[ultrarunner]

Several of my older friends surprised me remarrying after becoming a widow.

They all said the same… been married too long to be single…

They all married within 10 years of their age and often also a widow…

One of my friends said retirement communities have 3 or 4 single women for every single man…

 

[jyoutz]

Next weekend I’m traveling to attend a brother in laws wedding. They are both mid 50s and never married. Both work in ranching. Kinda implausible but good for them.

 

[MossRoad]

Several of my older friends surprised me remarrying after becoming a widow.

They all said the same… been married too long to be single…

They all married within 10 years of their age and often also a widow…

One of my friends said retirement communities have 3 or 4 single women for every single man…

I'm sure I've mentioned before that we encouraged my father join a club for widows and widowers after my mom passed away. He was always a social guy, and we didn't want to see him alone.

He said there were about 20 people in the club. 18 women and he and another guy. Let's just say his dance card was full.

 

[ultrarunner]

As for kids… I was on my friends wedding… the couple were good friends in High School and went off to college… he off to medical school but switched to be a pharmacist and she to nursing school.

She came to visit his mom during Christmas and mom said I don’t care if 3 hours time zone I’m calling my son and they reconnected…

She ver much wanted kids but after 20 years of marriage said it’s not happening… take the college fund and buy the car you want…

At age 49 she became pregnant with triplets… so excited and he was in shock saying how did this happen?

At 60 he had a heart attack at home… left wife with 10 year old triplets… grand parents and uncles and aunts had all passed away before… good kids and decayed mom…

People plan but life is a wild card…