Foster kids

[s1120]

<font color=red>Oh yeah, need to remind you of something though.... make sure you ask the doctor for the owners and technical manual for the baby. They sure come in handy. </font color=red>

I just hope I don't need a repair manual.

 

[TerryinMD]

Bob,

Congratulations!!

It sounds like you guys are ready and able to take on the new responsibility.

Ahh.. don't worry about the owners manual... somehow, the human race has survived for years without them. /w3tcompact/icons/smile.gif

OBTW, who was the PS2 for... /w3tcompact/icons/wink.gif

Terry

 

[utahmule]

Bob,

My wife and I have been fostering a soon to be four year old for six weeks now. Boy, does your life ever change!! (No children previously) That first week was a real eye opener.

We are on track to adopt him, if the birth mother does't shape up in the next few months. In Utah, the parent have six months if the child is under 1 year old, and 1 year if older. No extentions. I can't believe how some of these kids are tortured emotionally, bouncing back from foster to a dangerous home environment and back and forth.

If you need a kindred spirit, let me know. This is a tough but rewarding experience. Our preparation and screening process sounds like it was very similar to yours.

Good luck to us both.

 

[Bob_Trevithick]

Hi Eric,

<font color=blue>...If you need a kindred spirit, let me know. This is a tough but rewarding experience. Our preparation and screening process sounds like it was very similar to yours.</font color=blue>

Thanks, Eric.. and yes, a kindred spirit is always welcome!

Just thought I'd give folks an update.

The two kids spent a few weekends with us, all went great, and they moved in last weekend. This worked out well, as they had a week of school break, and then today was their first day at their new school. I leave for work early, but my wife waited with them for the schoolbus, and she said they are very good in the morning. They get ready quickly, don't whine about the fact that we refuse to give them a breakfast of "Pop Tarts" /w3tcompact/icons/eyes.gif, and are just generally a joy to be around.

Of course there are issues, little problems, etc., as four people (actually five since my wife's daughter is visiting for a couple of weeks from Ireland) learn to live with each other. From my perspective, never having had kids before, the toughest part is that I want to be their buddy but I need to be their father. This is a steep learning curve for me. My wife (with two prior kids of her own) is letting me learn as I go.. and giving some guidance.

Yesterday, the kids did some testing of us. It's inevitable, I guess. They need to know if they can trust us, and one way they find out is by challenging our authority and seeing if we are strong enough to handle them. I called a family meeting and explained that we knew precisely what they were doing, and why, and that we understood. I said I'd be doing the same thing if I were in their place. However, we have to work in cooperation to make this whole endeavor succeed, and there were certain things that we would not be flexible about. We'd be flexible about everything we could, but here's where the line gets drawn. I asked if they felt this was unfair, and they said no. I reassured them that if they did ever feel something was unfair, that these meetings were the place to say so.. and that they could express any feelings they had without worrying about reprisals. They really didn't have any legitimate gripes, and they admitted that with shy smiles.

So, I think things are going well so far. We meet with the various counselors and teachers later this week, and will make sure we are all on the same page in terms of what goals are being worked toward, etc.

It's very different having children in the house. Less time for ourselves, trying to figure out reasonable rules so that everyboby is getting a fair shake, etc. I'm sure all you parents know what I mean. /w3tcompact/icons/smile.gif

And yes, Eric, your position is remarkably similar to ours. The kids saw their mother the other day at our house, and it was kind of sad. Rather than sitting down and asking them about their lives, how's school, etc., she wanted to play a card game with them. She has 6 months left before social services decides to put the kids up for formal adoption. This will be a tough period.. nobody expects her to get her act together.. but she might.. and in the meantime the kids are in limbo.

I guess all we can do is pray for the best outcome for all involved.

Best wishes to all, and thanks again Eric!

Bob

 

[dmccarty]

Whew BoB,

I really admire you for taking on this "job." /w3tcompact/icons/smile.gif

Thanks for the update.

I'm very happy that things are going well.
Dan

 

[TBone]

Bob,

Please keep us posted on your kids. I wish all of God's blessing on you and your new family.

TBone

 

[utahmule]

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

From my perspective, never having had kids before, the toughest part is that I want to be their buddy but I need to be their father.

<hr></blockquote>



Boy is that the truth!! It's a tough line to walk for new parents. I really miss the infant years to get used to the situations.

We've got our first meeting with his play therapist later this week. I'm curious to see what he has to say. Mikey's been seeing him for a few weeks now. He's really been testing our authority lately.

Thes can be the times that try one's soul. We're in the waiting to see if Mom's 'death bed' change of heart is genuine or fleeting. I just can't stand the thought of a little kid being messed with by an adult.

Oh well, I guess we knew about these things going into fostering.

Let me know how things progress, or if you need to vent.

Amen, and best wishes back at ya.

 

[Turfman]

Bob,
Hope things are going well with you and the kids. We have two we adopted, and a seven year old we foster. It can be a challenge. Some of these kids have a lot of baggage. My ten year old (adopted at nearly 8) ate out of a dumpster. He still fondly remembers the birth parents. It needs to be so. He was also wise enough to understand that they were so messed up that they could not function, and he asked the case judge to be adopted and have his parent's rights terminated.

I know how to contact them and have asked him several times if he wants to write them, he says no, but sometimes I wonder. He is in counseling again. I get angry about the way they treated and raised him. He'll have problems for a long time based on their poor parenting skills. Makes me sad a lot, thinking about them placing in him in danger and messing up his mind. I worked narcotics for a few years as a police officer and he knows all about them from his parent's example.

We have had about 12-14 kids come through as foster kids now. All have been drug/substance abuse related. I watch the parents as we work with them to help them get their kids back and see that they have few or no life skills. Most are acting like they are 13 or 14 years old and don't know how to function in society.

Hope things go well with you. We have had a lot of joy from these kids. They give us a lot more than we will ever give to them.

Feel free to contact me privately if you want to discuss this further. We are grateful that you are helping these kids. They need you to provide the stability they have not been getting at home. It's a big job, being a role model and "dad" to them. Hopefully, they will learn from you how they should function in society.

Best of luck, follow your instincts and don't give up on them. They will bless your lives in ways you will never know.

Kevin

 

[Bob_Trevithick]

<font color=blue>...We have had about 12-14 kids come through as foster kids now. All have been drug/substance abuse related. I watch the parents as we work with them to help them get their kids back and see that they have few or no life skills. Most are acting like they are 13 or 14 years old and don't know how to function in society....</font color=blue>

Hi Kevin,

I sent you a private note.. sorry it took so long.. life has assumed the qualities of a small tornado here as we all adjust to one another, fit in schedules, etc.

Thanks for the kind words. And yes, I met the biological mother.. in fact we sat in on a meeting she had with social services. It was amazing. Here she is trying to convince them that she's a fit mother, but at the same time she tells them that she has stopped eating. She says "I'm a caring person, and if I can't care for my kids, then I'll care for (so and so)", who, btw, is now in jail for another child molestation offense. You're right.. she is barely able to function at all, let alone properly raise children. And yet we know that she needs to be in this picture.. she's their mom.. they love her and vice versa.. but yes, the mom is a child in an adult body.

When she left our house after the last visit, one of the kids asked if they were going with her. "Not yet", she growled.

The kids say they want to live with her. I think partly this is because the "honeymoon" period with us is over now.. we are encountering some very difficult behaviors with them, and feeling obliged to be firm with them.

The 9-year-old girl is the toughest. She can't express what she feels.. so when we sit her down and say why are you acting this way, she says "I don't know" and crys. We reassure her that it's okay to tell us.. but she simply can't. We met with their counselors, but it appears that for four years they have gotten about as far as we have.

What's interesting, but expected, is that the kids focus only on material things. They liked a certain foster home because they had a swimming pool. They liked another home because they had some toy or other. Never is there anything about the heart.. about feelings they have for people.. it's always about possessions, things. I can understand this, of course.. they can't afford to commit to loving anyone since everyone they've ever tried to love has disappeared from their lives.

This is a hard job.. but we'll do our best to help these kids. God willing, at least we'll teach them a few skills to use in coping with the world, and maybe help them start to see the value in themselves. Their self-esteem is close to zero. /w3tcompact/icons/sad.gif

Bob

 

[TerryinMD]

Bob,

The only thing I can say to you is to keep "plugging" away with the kindness and understanding that your showing. You can only hope and pray that one day they'll open up an accept you for what you are trying to do for them.

Keep up the good work... we need more people like you and your wife!! /w3tcompact/icons/king.gif/w3tcompact/icons/smile.gif