Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[ArlyA]

My Grandma was starting in on dementia to where we couldn’t take care of her. In the assisted living she told us God told her to stop eating and go. The place forced her to eat and she lived another 8years not knowing who people were being generally pissed off the whole time.

That was 20 years ago and I still think about it often.

She should have filled one out those end of life care documents? (what are they called?)

 

[ultrarunner]

In many ways I was very lucky by having someone that could be with mom when I was at work.

The person really cared and they hit it off from day one.

Mom would call my siblings and their spouses and it became a problem because sometimes it would be several times through the course of a day asking how they and the grandkids were doing and when she would see them again… some never visited at all through Covid citing social distancing.

I was told no one has time to deal with this as they have lives and Mom needs to be in a facility so no one need worry about her and if I object then it was on me to care for her.

I did end up filling her guest room with things she wanted to pack as she went through closets and dressers and I put a key lock on that door and door to the basement… minimizing areas for me to check.

Memory care here is 12k a month and mom wished to remain in her home and neighborhood and her Doctors agreed.

New neighbors that bought the house of moms good friend even called the county on me… during Covid… concerned mom was knocking on their door.

Each time the county social worker showed up I invited them in and all was good. They asked to check the refrigerator, bedroom, bathroom for grab handles and such and spoke with mom asking questions like do you know where you are and she would say in my house and this is my son… he does the cooking now…

Credit Union was unbelievably simple… the bank was a nightmare taking nearly 4 months and a total of 9 hours in visits… Both knew us well but the bank asked for so many documents then lost the trust documents twice and everything had to be reviewed by corp in another state.

In hindsight since our accounts were linked I could have just done a transfer before accounts frozen.

Frozen because social security notified the bank and clawed back the last payment.

After mom passed random older people would come to house saying they no longer see the nice lady on her daily walks… she really had the kindness of many and mom said as long as I can get around she is ok... she ran her last marathon at 75 and still holds age records for 50 mile and 50k ultra runs

 

[ArlyA]

On our way back to northern MN to take care of things. Was home for three days which is plenty of time off.

 

[etpm]

About 20 years ago when my grandmother died a good deal of her stuff was stuff that was really of almost no value and was given away to folks that could use it. Then the good stuff was loaded up and hauled from the Bay Area to Mercer Island in WA state. All the stuff was unloaded and displayed for all to see. My folks got first dibs and claimed anything they really wanted, which wasn't much. Then the grandkids, and the great grandkids, took turns claiming stuff. If someone wanted something that someone else previously claimed then a little trading went on. This worked perfectly, there were no arguments. Now my parents have both died and the same process will occur. I'm sure it will work out very well. My brothers and their wives all loved my parents and they loved us. I love all my brothers and their wives and children. I think they feel the same way about me and my family. I'm sure it is going to be a bittersweet time but we will in the end all walk away happy with each other.
Eric

 

[newbury]

I have seen families store things for decades only to be tossed…

And how long have YOU stored stuff that is rarely used?

Got back last night and my dearest is heading back to work for 3 days. (I just retired in March) She assumes its a piled up mess in her department. In her home town, they had a brand new powered of attorney drawn up but 1/2 her time was spent going to another bank to sign more papers, getting the assisted living unit to do this and that, and getting drugs who her folks were running out of found that had been send to the wrong pharmacy. Between making calls, seeing here folks, going back to signing yet more papers, very little time was spend organizing there belongings. We are heading back over the weekend.

Hang in there.
It's a fight to balance the culture of consumerism with the finality of death.
"Stuff" we all on TBN have been bragging about (our "great" buys, tractors, attachments, tools, etc.) may seem worthless to our heirs.

 

[newbury]

Then the good stuff was loaded up and hauled from the Bay Area to Mercer Island in WA state. All the stuff was unloaded and displayed for all to see. My folks got first dibs and claimed anything they really wanted, which wasn't much. Then the grandkids, and the great grandkids, took turns claiming stuff. If someone wanted something that someone else previously claimed then a little trading went on. This worked perfectly, there were no arguments.

That's about the same we did with my MIL's 11 siblings that predeceased her. Dibs were USUALLY determined by closeness of relation or if the person wanting it had "connection". Like if someone had cooked with Granny and used the KitchenAid Mixer they were more likely to get it. Or if someone had shot with Charles and used his rifle.
But with all 11 siblings the process is finishing fairly smoothly.
But her passing was the first in the modern age of EVERYONE related has a cell phone and can do SMS with good pictures. This saved hours of discussion.

 

[Torvy]

Arly, that is rough going. We've been fortunate as the folks kept most of their wits. Mom's still in SF. We started the process while dad was in Hospice. Took a lot of stuff to St. Vincent's. I've got to go back up in the Fall with the truck and bring more stuff south. I reckon since it is your spouse's folks, you can just be the hired help. I found that easier when MIL passed.

Ely's darn near Canada. When you said northern MN, I was thinking Walker or so. Be safe.

 

[ultrarunner]

And how long have YOU stored stuff that is rarely used?

Hang in there.
It's a fight to balance the culture of consumerism with the finality of death.
"Stuff" we all on TBN have been bragging about (our "great" buys, tractors, attachments, tools, etc.) may seem worthless to our heirs.

Decades for some project cars…

The days of knocking out a frame up restoration in 12 months in my spare time have been on hold for a long time.

The vehicles keep appreciating and I have room to store inside…

I was thinking of a friend who lost her mom in 1972 and has been paying storage 52 years and it drives her husband crazy.

Twice the public storage unit broken in and the first time the real silverware and 2 very ancient dynasty vases taken plus her fathers craftsman tools.

She is saving for her daughter who is now retired so she offered to her only grandchild who is a scientist all over the world with never a permanent place to call home.

I have wondered how the math for a 10x20 storage locker pans out… large dining table with chairs, hutch, bed with mattresses, dressers and two leather recliners.

 

[ultrarunner]

Arly, that is rough going. We've been fortunate as the folks kept most of their wits. Mom's still in SF. We started the process while dad was in Hospice. Took a lot of stuff to St. Vincent's. I've got to go back up in the Fall with the truck and bring more stuff south. I reckon since it is your spouse's folks, you can just be the hired help. I found that easier when MIL passed.

Ely's darn near Canada. When you said northern MN, I was thinking Walker or so. Be safe.

St Vincent’s and some of the others are getting very picky… at least here in SF area.

Seen several cherry pick and then leave it to the Realtor to deal with.

 

[Torvy]

St Vincent’s and some of the others are getting very picky… at least here in SF area.

Seen several cherry pick and then leave it to the Realtor to deal with.

I mean Sioux Falls when I say SF.