Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[ArlyA]

Got home late past night and its basically a days drive to where they are... A week there is all I can take. Its been a roller coaster of emotions but of course harder on my spouse. But its hardest yet on the in-laws who are loosing there freedom (no more car) and house. He is lucid about 1/3 the time and can not comprehend why his Buick can't "just be parked it here". My spouse has taken 1.5 months off but was luckily PTO.

 

[Sigarms]

To to OP, sorry you're having to do it.

Been there done that, but in some aspects is was easier on our end as we moved my dad down from Pa to NC around 2018 to live with us, and we had time to work on our own little by little by taking time going up to Pa to take care of his house.

What I do know from the entire process is that my wife now only wants to downsize when we move, and that includes the clutter in our current home.

 

[Tinhack]

I'd like to downsize but I don't know where to put it.

 

[ArlyA]

We found a couple hundred letters that my dad sent to his parents during WWII. I also found my dad's free Indiana lifetime hunting,fishing and trapping license that WWII veterans got. I never knew anything about that and thought it was odd since he never did much fishing except on our pond where you didn't need a license. The only hunting he did was to shoot rabbits from the combine when combining wheat for a fried rabbit dinner.

The last of my folks passed in the fall and I asked for my uncles belongings they had who died in a B-17 in the north sea. Arlyn Curtis Aronson

 

[tradosaurus]

 

[dodge man]

Arly I dealt with that with my parents. My dad had something called Lewy Body and my mom Alzheimer’s. Luckily as they got older they got rid of a lot of stuff as they moved and downsized and then we gave away most of the rest. It’s very sad for them and you guys too but do what you have to do. When my mom died she was in an Alzheimer’s care unit and you could have fit all her possessions in a single suitcase. At that point she didn’t know what was going on.

 

[ArlyA]

Heading back up on Saturday to see them and bring her dad to a doc appointment on Monday. Looking at moving them into a place here. Not impressed with where they are now.....

 

[MossRoad]

A lot easier on all of you if they are closer and in a nicer place.

 

[2manyrocks]

I will say from personal experience that you want them close enough that you can regularly check on them.

 

[ArlyA]

No surprise, its more complicated than simply moving them. There doc's are there and so are friends plus its a all day drive to here.. We'll keep you posted.

 

[Sigarms]

No surprise, its more complicated than simply moving them. There doc's are there and so are friends plus its a all day drive to here.. We'll keep you posted.

When my dad lived 8 hours away from us and fractured his back at age 86, he was still certain he could live by himself in our family home where he and my mom lived (mom since passed).

A good friend stopped by to see him, and that fried called me to tell me that my dad was in pain and I needed to get involved because he wasn't doing too well even though he wouldn't tell me anything.

Funny how kids will never tell you how they're feeling, neither will older parents.

 

[2manyrocks]

All day travel is pretty far to go check on an elderly parent. Absent special medical needs, doctors can be replaced. What do parents want most, their friends or their children at this stage of their life?

 

[riptides]

All day travel is pretty far to go check on an elderly parent. Absent special medical needs, doctors can be replaced. What do parents want most, their friends or their children at this stage of their life?

My in-laws are stuck on their stuff, they think they can handle life like they did 20/30 years ago. They do not see the ramification of their actions or decisions.

 

[kenmbz]

My dad is in rehab now, he goes in/out of coherency.
He can't walk or use his arms.
He is in California, My Brother and I in the North east.
My brother was down there for the week and tried to help where he could.
The biggest obstacle is his GF, she fights us on everything.
Not much we can do. I will be down there in a month, if he is still around.

 

[ArlyA]

Family fighting can be the worst thing on the planet when kids or parents become ill. My dad passed in the fall after a long decent and I couldn't talk to my three sister about it, at all as he became more and more ill. My spouse and her brother have been doing great so far.......

 

[ultrarunner]

All day travel is pretty far to go check on an elderly parent. Absent special medical needs, doctors can be replaced. What do parents want most, their friends or their children at this stage of their life?

The pandemic short changed many elderly…

 

[ultrarunner]

My dad is in rehab now, he goes in/out of coherency.
He can't walk or use his arms.
He is in California, My Brother and I in the North east.
My brother was down there for the week and tried to help where he could.
The biggest obstacle is his GF, she fights us on everything.
Not much we can do. I will be down there in a month, if he is still around.

What part of CA?

My friend ran into similar with the longtime girlfriend of his father…

In the end they just let it all go… the distance and dad was very unhappy if girlfriend unhappy.

 

[ultrarunner]

Some might rightfully think I’m foolish but over the course of a year I reached agreement with my siblings…

Everyone is still talking as we have other joint interests.

The solution was really very simple… they wanted cash but coming up with a value for moms place was the hard part as the appraisal was rejected… it’s actually worth less now than it was a year ago… they wanted a sale because selling is the ONLY way to know true value.

I had to go 10% over appraisal and agree not to ask for any help executing the estate covering both the business expenses and labor of clearing and cleaning and distributing.

Several at TBN reached out with words of wisdom which I truly appreciate…

I had hoped to have things wrapped up in a year but it’s more like 15 months.

 

[California]

Everyone is still talking as we have other joint interests.

Congratulations on getting this resolved without permanently dividing the siblings! Money well spent.

 

[kenmbz]

What part of CA?

My friend ran into similar with the longtime girlfriend of his father…

In the end they just let it all go… the distance and dad was very unhappy if girlfriend unhappy.

We just want to help and don't expect anything. They are down towards San Diego.
She has told us she will handle it all and does not want us to help.
He will need to either leave rehab for somewhere, or some money will be needed to keep him in rehab.