Divorcing and then laid off

[zzvyb6]

If you REALLY care about him, find him a Good Woman ASAP who appreciates what a man can do when motivated by acceptance. Lots of widows around my parts. He needs someone who's also been trashed once or twice and they will be magnets and steel. The future may bring the old lady back beggin' for forgiveness, but he needs to learn that this is a false healing. Scar tissue isn't strong. Keep the daughter, tell the court you need child support, a car for the kid, and $500 a month clothing allowance for her, too. The new boyfriend will be temporary, also. Get a restraining order on her, too just to stir up the adrenaline. You being the BIL doesn't seem to be healthy either. The ex wife will badger you on "how's he doin'?" For Heaven's sake, don't let her live in you house. Take her things and park them at the roadside. Call the sheriff if she shows up. Better deal if you can find the boyfriend. Take all her stuff over to his place and let HIS wife pick through it.

 

[Bird]

I can't say whether any of the posts in this thread are right or wrong, but I'd sure be careful about giving legal advice on a discussion board, especially when you haven't heard both sides of a case.

 

[tugboat-2]

BIRD : Once again, very sound advice. You have obviously seen both sides of many a "domestic"! Not often many "right OR wrong" on those sticky issues, so I back you up on "being very careful giving legal advice!"

I will add that my Lady and I have just (July) celebrated our fifty-first (51st) and I will say, we experienced most of the rough issues that marriage often does bring to bear,...and we came out the other side with the scars, marks, candies and flowers that help to smooth things over.

However, when the candy is gone and the flowers have withered,..."often" the issues remain and if you fail to adequately deal with them "once and for all", you will continue to deal with them,...not fun!

We found, (at least my Lady "taught" me) that you must sit down "calmly" and share the candy while smelling the flowers,... and "discuss" the issue, even if you must agree to disagree,...but you must deal with it so that you can take the next step to wit: putting that issue "behind" you both,..NEVER to be brought up or mentioned again,...EVER! ......PERIOD!!!

As difficult as it can be sometimes, she taught me to end the day on a smile and wake up next morning with a new smile on a new day with "yesterdays" problems forgotten. (Do you know how wondrous that can be?!!)

Yes we had problems but the years and the kids (and grandkids) helped sort 'em out so that we enjoy each other more than ever now. I can honestly say that that "one" rule about leaving yesterdays issues there, starting the new day fresh and just smile and keep walking,....has brought us to a pretty happy place!! Amen and Amen

CHEERS!.....and good luck to all who try, (Jesus sure helped us!!)
. . tug

 

[2manyrocks]

We knew a couple back in July that were about to divorce. The husband came under conviction, was baptized a week or so ago and the marriage is on. It was a dramatic turn around. Prayer made a difference.

 

[CurlyDave]

Encourage him to keep going to AA.

21 years ago my boss told me that my job depended on me going to AA, which I did not want to do.

Within a year I had gained an enormous amount of strength and wisdom and I will be grateful to him until my dying day.

He can start going for a lot of reasons, and a wife's or ex-wife's insistence is a common one. If at some point he keeps going because he wants to, he will come through his problems.

Ask him to PM me if he wants some encouragement in this area.

 

[ScottOkla]

For what it's worth, my opinion is that if you make a promise, you keep that promise. You can't make the other person keep his/her promise, but you can live up to your end. If both people do this, things will work out. Unfortunatley, most people these days are not people of their word, and we see the results all around us. It is pretty frightening where we are as a society today.

I hope things work out for him.

 

[dirt ditch]

Unhappy divorced women, for which there is a better term, and, being unable to use several better terms on a family forum, "boyfriends" are tough hurdles for a married man to over come. All a guy can do is give it his best. If that is not enough, cut bait and let the sharks feed, then go find someone better.

 

[Lacal]

I hate to bring it up, but could the wife be entering the change? The wanting a divorce one day and affectionate the next sounds like something I went through when my wife reached that point in her life. I try not to give advice, but unless the wife has another person in her life then there has to be other issues going on and would be a shame to see 20 years thrown away expecially with a 16 year old involved.

My prayers are with them.

 

[wjoerob]

Thanks for all the input, guys. A wide mix of experience and opinions, that's what we usually find on these forums. A couple more tidbits of info: he is my BIL, my wife is his twin sister. I'm an only child, parents married 51 yrs., and both sets of grandparents married over 50 yrs. So I have kind of a built-in outlook on this thing, too. We've been married 32 yrs.
Also, BIL's wife is diabetic, injects insulin, but hasn't been checking her levels for over a year. I'm pretty sure that accounts for a good part of the mood swings. Even the daughter says, "Mom's been acting weird for 2 years." She's in a good job, over 30 yrs. and could retire any time. His lawyer has told him they should ask for half of her retirement. (He doesn't have any) Even if they don't get it, it may help out on other things.
AA does help him out. He belongs to our church, but doesn't get much out of it, he says. (Where are all the "guy" churches?) He's been doing some odd jobs, we encouraged him to do what it takes to keep busy.

 

[2manyrocks]

In the situation I mentioned, the husband and wife had been attending a church whose pastor had a good reputation. Then the family got upset over some issue and changed churches. Something in the the new church got the attention of the husband because he changed his behavior.

The wife was ready to throw in the towel and then her Father advised her not to give up yet. That was three months ago and now things are vastly improved.

 

[arrow]

Trouble with this stuff is one is always thinking the grass is greener. Barring the overt reasons for divorce such has been mentioned, some marriages that stay together aren't much different from the ones that get divorced. It seems to come down to an outlook thing and outlooks can most certainly be manipulated by a host of things from emotional to physiological. In that regard, one person you can never leave is yourself and unfortunately, some people who divorce thinking it will clean up their mess, come to that hard and sad conclusion later on.

 

[tugboat-2]

Many folk,..unfortunately tooo late,....find their "first" choice was their best!!!

Must be a reason,...huh?
. . tug

 

[Marlowe]

Remember this, hardly ever does a woman want to get out of one saddle unless she has another one to get into, and most of them have taken a test ride before they mention it.

 

[wjoerob]

An update -- brother-in-law is doing well so far. Has been doing odd jobs, continues to look for full-time work. Divorce final hearing was postponed, of course. Living on his own, attending church sometimes. Soon-to-be-ex-wife seems to be surprised he's doing so well.

 

[CurlyDave]

It is good to hear encouraging news.

Every day makes him stronger.

 

[SuperDuty335]

My oldest son had the same thing happen, wife said we need a seperation so he moves out. He goes to counseling for a while and the counselor tells him he's "ok" wife is still going.

She announces last February that she wants a divorce, so he gets the paperwork started, and they are now well on their way.

My concern is for the 2 children, ages 11 and 8. My wife and I are doing all we can to help the grandchildren in any way. At least they have joint custody and so far the kids seem to be handling it "OK".

The old saying is: A woman marries a man and knows she will be able to change him, the man marries the woman because she will never change. They are both wrong.

That's one of the truest quotes I've ever heard. Unfortunately I've experienced it.

 

[two_bit_score]

An update -- brother-in-law is doing well so far. Has been doing odd jobs, continues to look for full-time work. Divorce final hearing was postponed, of course. Living on his own, attending church sometimes. Soon-to-be-ex-wife seems to be surprised he's doing so well.

Thanks for the update and good news. Such as it may be. Sounds like he, at least, may be better off without her.

 

[deere755]

I am glad to hear he is doing better. My ego was really hurt when my ex left me for another man. It seemed to really bother her when I got over it and got on with my life. I guess she thought I would lay down and die without her. Looking back I am so much happier today then I ever was with her and I imagine your B-I-L will be too. The worst part is I missed out on a lot with my son. I never wanted to be a part time Dad but it has worked out too. I just try the make the most of the time I have with him. Life gets better he just needs to ride the storm out.

 

[tugboat-2]

DIVORCE, . . . used to be a "very", "very" last resort. People used to, first of all,..put more thought and planning into a marraige,...and then work very hard to cause it to work. If divorce resulted later, it was the very final straw.

Today folk seem to jump into marriage with pre-nups etc knowing if it doesn't pan out then, just get divorced and "try" another? With statistics showing (I believe something like 50% of marriages end in divorce in 6 months),..that would indicate folks DON'T take it seriously, .... especially the vows that say to the effect: "whosoever "GOD" has joined together,...let no "man" put asunder"!!!

....HOW the heck did I get on that kick? ...I just wanted to ask Joe whether or not the couple in question, ..had ever pursued the question of her "insulin" and the fact she was quite possibly "off-balance" because of it?

....I personally know of 2 women that got "off-balance",...but with agressive dragging to the doctor's office and getting back on track,..BOTH these ladies became their once physically attractive AND mentally sweet, loving selves!!

....and YES,.. it most certainly can affect the face, skin, eyes, hair and their general beauty as well as the mental .."balance".. and "happiness" they enjoy.

....IF,...she ever got back on "balance",...they both might wonder how they got so far into this mess?

Then again, (topic of "kids"),...oh boy, painful subject, I've seen some of that too. Everyone figures, ...kids, yeah sure, they're young, they'll get used to it, ...sure they "seem" to be handling it just fine, ...they'll bounce back better than adults!

Well sure they will!..But remember when you were a kid,..your parents were all you really had and if them splitting was ever on the menu,...you freaked!! ...pretty scary deal for any kid. So yes, they handle it, but don't ever think for one minute that it doesn't create serious scars!! Prior to the "scar" forming, the wound lays open,..it festers, gets infected,...sometimes a little but mostly a lot,...it doesn't necessarily "heal over" cleanly,....sure it forms a scar but often continues to fester inside for years and you never know the outcome?

So when you look at the kids from a broken or messed up home,...don't automatically assume they will "handle" it,....may take years,....they absolutely NEED all the tender LOVING care you can possibly spare from your own troubled life!! ..remember to take the time "they" need !!!

....Just some thoughts that came to me Joe,...still trying to help I guess?

CHEERS!
. . tug

 

[deerefan]

A couple questions come to mind.

- Why are you assuming the police will run him out of town?
- Is he trespassing on someone's property?
- What social service agencies are in your town?
- Is there a rescue mission in your town you could contact? We have 2 of them locally but they don't pick people up.

Mike, I think you responded in the wrong thread....