Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[ultrarunner]

Only wish is for those in the situation to find the person they are caring for is kind…

I’ve found some that are possessed for lack of a better word… and I would have grabbed holy water if available.

We had a patient with cancer and late stage memory loss… she shouted obscenities at everyone and was very combative…

Since I have been around memory patients some I volunteered so the nurses would not get injured when the patient started swinging…

Patient personality would flip in a moment but she seemed to like me and said so… thought I was her brother… called the nurses ****** and worse and she was 88.

All I could think of is her poor frail sister getting this treatment 24 hours a day…

 

[ultrarunner]

I’ve learned you have to be quick on your feet and mind during some stages…

A neighbor would dress and head to the bus to see her sister 1500 miles away but her sister died years ago.

I would see her a couple of times and change the subject and once asked her to help find my lost imaginary dog and she willingly agreed which kept her occupied until daughter came to pick her up…

 

[ruffdog]

Then I have my uncle, brother set him on autopay for most things. Hopefully his accounts won't need to much more maintenance. had not paid taxes for years and HOA fees for a long time.

Them being on the other coast adds another layer of complexity.

The first thing you need to do is find out if he still owns the property. There are many instances online that the HOA took control of the property without the owner knowing. Don't pay the taxes or fees if he doesn't own it anymore.

 

[MossRoad]

That's really cool. It's always fun finding out what your ancient relatives did, when they were much younger, esp. when you've only ever known them in their older years.

I play the great highland bagpipes, an instrument that puts one as closely possible to having a perpetual aneurism while playing, as any ever invented. Don't think I'll be surprising anyone in my very late dimentia years, with that skill.

"Help, I just blew out my spleen!"

Yeah, my grandpa would play in the band while my grandma would polka with her partner. They won a bunch of dance contests together. I didn't know that either, until grandma showed me the trophies!

Speaking of bagpipes, when I was a little kid, the oldest kid on the block played bagpipes. We'd have bonfires and he'd play. He ended up moving to CA many decades ago and had a pretty well known bagpipe business. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2019.

When I was maybe 8-9 years old, before he moved away, he gave me a 3' long wooden sailboat that his grandfather had given him. I used to sail it on the lake we both lived on. I still have it.

 

[MossRoad]

I’ve learned you have to be quick on your feet and mind during some stages…

A neighbor would dress and head to the bus to see her sister 1500 miles away but her sister died years ago.

I would see her a couple of times and change the subject and once asked her to help find my lost imaginary dog and she willingly agreed which kept her occupied until daughter came to pick her up…

I've mentioned before that when I was a little kid, we had an old lady that would roam the neighborhood and just walk into houses. She was harmless, but saw things that weren't there and had conversations with people that were not there. She usually carried homemade popcorn balls in her purse, so I didn't mind the occasional visit.

My late father in-law was a happy dementia patient. We were always happy for that. Makes a huge difference.

My wife's grandma was an angry patient. It was hard to watch. She went about 10 years with it.

 

[Sigarms]

My wife's grandma was an angry patient. It was hard to watch. She went about 10 years with it.

Uncle who was a WW2 vet and apparently used to be a good boxer in his hay day and who was still in pretty good shape in his old age was a very angry person when he came down with that disease. He had to be removed from the home for the protection of my aunt. I wasn't around then, but my dad told me it wasn't pretty.

The flip side is my dad who still had a strong mind and was still in good shape at age 86 when he came to live with us. He lasted 4 years, but his last year he was using a wheel chair. He missed the love of his life who passed in 2002, and his last year he really hated having to depend on us for most of his needs living with us.

I'll never forget his last crab leg dinner (one of his favorite meals) with us 3 months before he passed. We brought him up to the kitchen using the car (walk out basement where he "lived"), he ate all the crab legs he could, and I gave him a hot bath using his walk in tub later that day. After I tucked him into bed bad and gave him a kiss tonight, I'll never forget the smile he had on his face and he told me "This has been a great day. It would be perfect it I didn't wake up tomorrow morning". Although I didn't want to hear that, I understood completely and I told him I understood. One Sunday morning when I found him on the floor and took him to the emergency room, he passed about 36 hours later. God was looking out for both him and I in that he went fast.

Only a matter of personal opinion, but if I get to the age where my mind goes or I can no longer take care of myself, I'd like to think I would be able to go out of this life on my own terms..

 

[kenmbz]

The first thing you need to do is find out if he still owns the property. There are many instances online that the HOA took control of the property without the owner knowing. Don't pay the taxes or fees if he doesn't own it anymore.

Will find out in a few days, think if they did that some publicity would be the cure.
More worried about property tax, that would be hard to fight.
Since my Dad's crazy GF has POA, my goal is to make sure my dad is as comfortable as possible when he passes.
Have a list of funeral homes, needs to make her choose, as even that is a struggle.

 

[ultrarunner]

I've mentioned before that when I was a little kid, we had an old lady that would roam the neighborhood and just walk into houses. She was harmless, but saw things that weren't there and had conversations with people that were not there. She usually carried homemade popcorn balls in her purse, so I didn't mind the occasional visit.

My late father in-law was a happy dementia patient. We were always happy for that. Makes a huge difference.

My wife's grandma was an angry patient. It was hard to watch. She went about 10 years with it.

These days the authorities would be called and a case file opened…

Moms good friend was a 103 when she moved to assisted living and still sharp in mind but too weak in body and for about 10 years they had a signal all was ok.. the elderly woman would open her bedroom drapes early every morning and all was good… if the drapes were not open Mom would come over and there almost never was a problem.

When the neighbor moved to assisted living the new buyers kept the drapes closed and mom would go to the house to make sure everything was ok… they called the police the third time this happened in the first month and the women couple that lived there are family therapists… go figure.

After the couple called the authorities during Covid adult Protective Services and Police did random checks at Moms… I was always there when they knocked on the door and everything was always found in order… lots of questions to answer, etc…

Each time authorities arrived I invited them in… once even asked to open the refrigerator to check.

The couple said it’s their duty to report as they are licensed counselors/therapists.

If mom would not have been a happy person I can only imagine how things would have gone…

She would ask the police if they ate and tell me to fix them something and she always remembered her name, birthday and knew who I am and that she was in her house…

 

[2manyrocks]

Caring for a parent with dementia is difficult enough without drama from meddlers.

 

[ultrarunner]

Caring for a parent with dementia is difficult enough without drama from meddlers.

I really considered moving mom to my house but instead I moved back to my childhood bedroom.

Mom liked visiting my house but always said she has her own house and her own bed… her Doctor said since she is comfortable in her home and garden of 50 years it is the best place for her… so I made that possible.

One neighbor(s) can change a neighborhood.