Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[Sigarms]

Caring for a parent with dementia is difficult enough without drama from meddlers.

For better or worse, although legally we are not our brothers keeper, it is actually a good thing sometimes the local authorities can actually check on a persons good well being.

This is no different than if you put your own child on your lap out in a public park and gave them good 5 swats on the rump for mis behaving or seeing a very old person driving who drives like a 15 year on their first day behind the wheel without a "co driver".

Now, if I saw a parent swat a little kids rump for mis behaving, I wouldn't give a second thought about and would think it's good parenting skills (although some may disagree), but 5 good swats over your knee may be overkill.

The issue is not everyone is on the same page per common sense and if you put yourself in the states position where if they get a phone call reporting something, they are in kind of a no win position.

In ultrarunners example with his mother going to the house with the curtains closed, common sense to me is talking with the woman, finding out her name, where she lives (and take her back home if need be) and find out if someone is helping her at her home. For myself, that's just added common sense in being a good neighbor.

Every couple of months my wife will go her mom's for a "car check". Wife will let her mom drive herself just to check out her driving skills. The other year she got t boned and her car was flipped over, it was her fault, and ANYONE can have a brain fart driving and do something stupid, the question becomes if it keeps happening and why? MIL is in her late 70's now and lives by herself since her husband died a couple of years ago.

 

[kenmbz]

The hospice nurses forced my fathers GF to get 24x7 care, which we wholeheartedly support as he was getting skin problems just laying in bed for so long.
Sometimes meddlers work for you.sometimes not.

 

[ultrarunner]

The meddlers were given a key to moms house so they could help… never used the key once.

What amplified everything is all this occurred during height of Covid and Covid restrictions lasted longer in the SF Bay Area longer than anywhere in the country.

The meddlers were home all the time during this time… and the homes face each other.

I ended up writing on the white board not to bother the new people or they will call the police… this worked.

OPD will not come out if your home is burglarized but ring a neighbors doorbell 3 times in a month to check on them and OPD will respond along with county, etc.

 

[2manyrocks]

Calling the police on Ultrarunner doesnt seem neighborly to me.

 

[ultrarunner]

New neighbors and new ideas… mom being the resident RN was always first call in the neighborhood and the frail elderly woman across the street lived alone and mind sharp as a tack…

I would change light bulbs, check the gutters and smoke detector batteries for her and she used grocery delivery for groceries and taxi for doctor appointments… all well over age 100.

Her daughter flew in to place her in a retirement home and the woman said ok…

Mom and I went to visit and said we are busting you out if you don’t like it here… the staff were in shock.

Moms friend said it’s wonderful… like being on vacation and I can even have room service and they have doings… it was the last time we saw her as she passed in her sleep 10 days later when her heart gave out… but she was really happy and said if I had known what to expect I would have moved sooner!

 

[2manyrocks]

In retrospect, being uprooted from her home might not have been the best decision.

 

[ArlyA]

My in-laws said they could care for themselves just fine. They couldn't and got moved into assisted living. My spouse went thought 4 years of there bank statements and could see the decline. They couldn't do it any more..

 

[ultrarunner]

In retrospect, being uprooted from her home might not have been the best decision.

She was growing weary of the responsibility for the home they bought new… 1958 and she spent a lot keeping it up… new roof, new furnace, exterior paint, weekly garden service, etc.

One daughter and one granddaughter both in another state.

They did all fly in for her 100 birthday and it was quite a celebration with distant relatives not seen in decades and she was dressed to the nines in her words… she was the county beauty miss in her youth for Monterey…

 

[2manyrocks]

I understand what you are saying.

There may be a point where it is a no win situation.

Transplanting someone who is 100 might be too much for them?

 

[ArlyA]

Spouse is up seeing her dad now. He's getting weaker and agreed to home health care visit.

 

[RandyT]

Just brought dad home 2 weeks ago from the nursing home after being placed on hospice. Had been in the hospital for Flu A and spent 5 days in the hospital, and was moved to a nursing home for rehab, but then had a setback and was sent back to the hospital for another 4 days, which the nursing home called and said we can't handle his illness without hospice. We will have to send him back to the nursing home. So after being in the nursing home for 2 weeks, and him wanting to come home I agreed. He suffers from dementia which at this stage is mostly lose of short term memory, with loose of other functions which basically prevents him from caring for himself. We are calling it late stage moderate to early stage late dementia. In his case he has advance COPD in conjunction with congestive heart failure and stage 3 kidney failure. So it is more likely that the COPD and heart disease will take him before the dementia gets the last of him. He is 83.

 

[ArlyA]

Just brought dad home 2 weeks ago from the nursing home after being placed on hospice. Had been in the hospital for Flu A and spent 5 days in the hospital, and was moved to a nursing home for rehab, but then had a setback and was sent back to the hospital for another 4 days, which the nursing home called and said we can't handle his illness without hospice. We will have to send him back to the nursing home. So after being in the nursing home for 2 weeks, and him wanting to come home I agreed. He suffers from dementia which at this stage is mostly lose of short term memory, with loose of other functions which basically prevents him from caring for himself. We are calling it late stage moderate to early stage late dementia. In his case he has advance COPD in conjunction with congestive heart failure and stage 3 kidney failure. So it is more likely that the COPD and heart disease will take him before the dementia gets the last of him. He is 83.

We feel for ya man.

 

[ultrarunner]

When mom came home to hospice the doctor said 7-10 days and provided morphine.

That 7-10 days turned out to be almost 10 weeks.

She was so happy to be home again… look out the window at her garden… she had improved so much hospice was evaluating stopping.

I was at first chided for not giving her morphine but she was not in any pain… morphine would have killed her.

The last 2 weeks was steady decline with one exception of remarkable clarity where she was back, realized her situation and gave instructions of what she wanted done… it was a gift to me and her best friend who would be with her when I was at work.

Just seeing the happiness at being home I will never forget.

The hospice team was outstanding but it helped moms friend was a retired nurse and mom had 50 years as RN…

I could not have done it alone…

Within several months 2 of moms neighbors passed on hospice at home… they were receiving dropper full of morphine and both were gone in 48 hours.

 

[RandyT]

Dad was on morphine, but right now there is a morphine shortage, so we had to switch him over to the fentanyl patch. Seems to be working OK. They are using it mostly to quiet his breathing and help with any pain. So far haven't had to open the black box.

Our team has went from 7 days a week, to 6 and then 4 but went to 3 before the 4 even completed. So either he is doing well, or they think he is getting better than average care from home.

Dad has lost a brother to pancreatic cancer, and a sister in law to congestive heart failure in the last month. Dad's brother drove down to see him in the nursing home a few hours after his own wife passed.

 

[kenmbz]

Dad is still under hospice care and morphine every hour.
Hospice nurse has no idea how he is still with us, he not been eating for over a week.
Drinks about 3/4 of an ensure and 1/2 glass juice per day.

He is lucid for about 10 min a day, the rest is sleeping or random conversation.

His GF is not as bad, but is pretty lost. Flew out there to help her settle bills, pay taxes etc.
A lot has not been paid for 10 months.
Not sure last time they filed federal, have an accountant working on that.

 

[kenmbz]

Dad passed yesterday, now have to deal with his GF, which can vary drastically by day.
Especially if she has been drinking.
Still need to follow up with accountant etc. all from the other side of the country and different time zone.

 

[alexpops]

Sorry for your loss. You have my deepest condolences with respect to your father. Not trying to be insensitive, but ... I have no clue what your relationship with the GF is, whether she has any family that can take care of her, or whether your Dad made any provisions for her, so, you may need/want to check with a lawyer that practices in their state about the estate disposition & probate process as well as "elder" issues -- especially before you begin spending any money on the GF's behalf.

 

[EddieWalker]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[kenmbz]

Sorry for your loss. You have my deepest condolences with respect to your father. Not trying to be insensitive, but ... I have no clue what your relationship with the GF is, whether she has any family that can take care of her, or whether your Dad made any provisions for her, so, you may need/want to check with a lawyer that practices in their state about the estate disposition & probate process as well as "elder" issues -- especially before you begin spending any money on the GF's behalf.

She has POA, so it's kind of messy as she is not all there at 84.
We are trying to help her as my dad asked.
She does not make it easy and has alienated her kids and family.

 

[alexpops]

I feel for you. Hopefully you can honor your father's wishes without the GF taking complete advantage ... all the more reason I would seek out good counsel. (I'm NOT a lawyer, but I deal with enough of them & legal documents that I have a fairly practical understanding of how things usually are meant to work)

After taking care of laying your father to rest, the attorney should be high on the priority list ... as I understand it, a durable POA does not survive death of the principal in most areas, and the estate gets handled by the executor of the will or by a court appointed administrator (unless he had a living trust, in which case everything in the trust would be managed by the trustee named). It's far easier to be charitable & magnanimous when you don't have to worry about her stripping the estate by continuing to invoke a POA that may, in fact, no longer be valid.